So turns out that despite starting my day off curled up in the fetal position and terrified of the world and hiding under my covers as if it would solve all of my problems due to a pretty substantial panic attack last night, I had a pretty freakin' good day today.
First was the e-mail from my last post. For once, my inbox was not plagued with e-mails saying "GIVE ME MORE WRITING" or "WHERE IS MY FINISHED ARTWORK YOU STARTED TWO DAYS AGO?!" or "GIVE US MONEY YOU OWE US MONEY IN 10 DAYS!!" but rather a very cheery letter telling me that my web hosting site missed me.
That in itself was good enough for a smile, but not nearly enough to fix my day. I crept cautiously into the kitchen to make breakfast and found the counters still buried under a mountain of dishes that happened last weekend when John and I were out of town (not together, just simultaneously). John was already there, which never happens because he's usually at work at that point, and was just losing his head over the mess but still not wanting to yell at the roommates. The situation has been the cause of stress all week and I think I temporarily broke there for a second. I got very grumpy and yelled at all the roommates for being such babies about messes, and they were all so shocked that I possessed such a thing as spaz-level anger that they all apologized, helped us to clean the kitchen, and pledged to be more grown-up about life.
Because everyone was all problem-solvey and team-worky, everyone suddenly got into a better mood. I spent a good chunk of the day with Laura in the basement of our house, hiding from the sweltering heat of the day. While she watched a TV show for a few hours and worked on some freelance stuff, I sat on the floor and worked on an oil painting propped up on the floor-level easel I built.
After all that was done, we sought out Ian and went group grocery shopping. I bought BREAD, you guys! I haven't bought bread in like, a month, because I'm all poor and stuff. I ran out of my last loaf of bread a week or so ago and I missed it.
So we went shopping and I got more food which is always happy times, because I always wait until I run out of food to go buy more and it's like "LOOK I'M NOT GOING TO DIE!" and excitement ensues.
We got back to the house and actually had a barbecue in our backyard with steak and chicken for me because I'm a wuss and don't eat red meat and grilled pineapple and real iced tea and a fresh salad with organic mushrooms and cheese and tomatoes and balsamic vinegar... it was SO FREAKING TASTY.
And nothing makes a mood happy like good food.
Then more teamwork happened to clean up that mess, and Ian, Laura, and I went for a walk.
We ended up going to a park and playing on a playground/swinging on the swings for a while before meeting some super enthusiastic and hilarious children. Ian and I had a jump-off-the-swing contest that I won only because Ian fell off the swing at the very top of his arc and ended up flailing like a mortally wounded chicken as he plowed into the sand a couple of feet in front of the swing set and I hopped off like a freaking champ and stayed on my feet even if I got less air, I still went further and didn't look like I was about to die. We ended up digging a hole in the sand before exploring further to a spot that has a steep hill followed by very sudden flat ground. Laura and I had a log-roll race down the hill and got super dizzy and ended up at the flat stretch clinging to the grass and laughing so hard that we couldn't move anyways, despite the lurching earth.
And then Laura got the great idea to have a race down the hill across the flat stretch. She doesn't run, so I knew I could beat her, but Ian I know from experience is one of the fastest little buggers I know. So Ian, at our complaining, gave us a head start. I biffed it coming down the hill, good ole faceplant because I wasn't expecting it to level out so soon, and had to scramble up and chase Laura down. I eventually caught her and impressed myself. Ian won, but literally only by about a foot.
So after all that chaos, we headed back to our house where I took a shower because I'm allergic to grass pollen and was probably about to die because I was so itchy, but after that quick setback I joined all three roommates and John's girlfriend in our backyard for a fire and some roasted marshmallows.
A stupidly solid day. Usually major panic attacks cause me to have a day or two of hiding in solitude in my room to recuperate from the shock and be able to talk to people without wanting to burst into tears because if how scary humans are.
But not this time. This time events were perfect and I am SUPER happy and just couldn't be more content right now with great thoughts, fun memories, and a full belly of great food.
7/7/12
I love my new website hoster!
So I might have mentioned that my hard-worked website for my fine art has been trashed due to the hosting site booting the non-pro members (AKA people who don't spend $20 a month for sub-par website hosting...) so I've had to start work on a new one on a new hosting site. I'd gone to make the switch before because the one I had was getting more and more infuriating with their ridiculousness, but all of the other hosting sites were just as, if not more, ridiculous, so I just stayed. However, now I've had no choice because my business's only form of showcasing is about to be destroyed, so I found one that didn't look too bad and hopped on board.
So I did a home page for the work, almost identical to my old one, and left because that's a lot of coding in a day, and I've just been coding the other pages in a text document. I'll go back in a week or so and paste them into the website, once they're all cleaned up, but today I got this letter from my hosting company and it totally made my morning.
So I did a home page for the work, almost identical to my old one, and left because that's a lot of coding in a day, and I've just been coding the other pages in a text document. I'll go back in a week or so and paste them into the website, once they're all cleaned up, but today I got this letter from my hosting company and it totally made my morning.
We haven't seen you for a while, [name]!
It's been 6 days, 22 hours, 45 minutes and 42 seconds since you last logged in, and we're starting to get really worried.
We were just getting to know each other. You created 1 site, 1 page, dragged on 1 element, and then... nothing.
We were really excited for your new website, it had so much potential!
If you ran into any trouble along the way, we're here for you. Making your own website is fun, fast and easy with [company]. Best of all, you will have a website of your own to show to customers, clients, family or friends.
So we'll make it really, really easy to start working on your [company] website again: just [click here]!
If you have any questions, we'd love to help. Feel free to visit our Support Center or email us at [e-mail].
So it's a little creepy at the start, but I was easily able to overlook that because it's a machine and it's actually just incredibly amusing. I started the day off a little shaky due to an extreme anxiety attack last night, pretty much escalating to a full-blown panic attack so I woke up feeling emotionally gross and really, REALLY incapable of human interaction today. Then I got that e-mail and it was so amusing and great to see a company I am using so lighthearted that I actually feel a little bit better.
I might talk about the panic attack later, but it was really nothing out of the ordinary. If you read my post on artist's depression, it will seem a lot less alarming and make a lot more sense. It might be depressing, though, so maybe don't.
In closing, I leave you with a cute picture of a fennec fox.
7/6/12
I should post something art-related while we're here. AKA 8 ways to beat writer's block.
I promise, after my usual life story there will be a blurb about dealing with writer's block.
I am procrastinating the ever-living HELL out of writing today. I would rather update my blog 536 times today than start writing. And I've got my publisher on my ass being all "hey, when are you going to send in the chapter's manuscript to the consultant?" and yadda yadda "the sooner you get it to us the sooner we can start editing!" and it's like "holy crap, guys, I've got TWO novels to finish here, give me a freaking week!"
So instead of writing like mad, like I should be doing, I'm going to skip my writer's block struggle and talk a bit about being a writer on an internet blog with 5 readers.
Boring? I don't think so.
I try to divide my arts up pretty evenly. I'll spend equal amounts of time working on art commissions, practicing music, and writing. Lately, writing has been taking over my life a bit and it's starting to get a bit irritating. I feel like I can't walk away from a blank chapter, even if I have the WORST writer's block I have to write something, only to come back to it the next day and trash the whole thing.
The first novel is already completed. However, it was completed three years ago, and I want to make it better/move the storyline in a different direction. I need to update the vocab and write an entire parallel storyline in between what happened, because I left way too much out the first time. I end up sitting staring at the screen for hours before I give up and feel awful about myself, so I guess what I'm really going to touch on here is how to deal with writer's block.
The first thing I want to mention is something I actually learned in music school. While I was at the University, I took a songwriting class and they had a lot to say about writer's block. One of the things the teacher FORCED on us was the concept of bringing a notebook everywhere. And everyone always rolls their eyes at that and is all "stop telling me that," and I agree, I do the same. I carry my ideas notebook with me and rarely write something down, and it gets a little ridiculous.
What I DO do is carry my cell phone with me. That way when I get a random idea (especially in public) I don't have to drop all things and root for this notebook and pen and write it down and then forget what the point-form explanation means. I pull out my cell phone, call myself, and leave a message explaining the idea in full detail. That way it also just looks like I'm talking on the phone and no one judges me!
That wasn't really the point I wanted to address though. That's just a way of keeping all of your ideas.
1. Go for a walk.
What I learned in songwriting is that there are two instances where you are at your most creative during a normal day: when your body is in motion, and when you're entering your sleep cycle. So, keep your cell phone by you when you're going to sleep, to record your sleepy ideas, whatever, but if you've got writer's block, get away from your computer and take a walk.
You don't need to go outside; you can just wander your house aimlessly. You can go to a mall and wander around and window shop or just people watch. Clean your room even. Hell, turn some music up in your room and dance around like an idiot. I like to take a quick jog around the block. It gets the endorphins going in your body, no matter how little exercise you're doing, and helps the creative wheels turn. Don't force it either. Stop wracking your brain and just go for it. Enjoy the outdoors/freedom of motion. After a while, you can start reflecting on it again, but until then just keep up some motion.
2. Consider regular exercise.
I know it's not for everyone. Some people just like to sit around and do nothing, but I can tell you that getting regular exercise helps with creativity. You sleep better, stuff in your body works better, and your mood improves, even if you suffer from chronic depression. And I'm not saying you should start training for a marathon or something. Just take a walk sometimes. Dance around your house. Get moving, get a bit more active. I like to go to the gym because once I'm there, what am I going to do except exercise? I have insomnia and depression AND obsessive tendencies, and I notice a huge improvement in all of these things when I keep up regular activities.
So what's the point? The point is tied into the last one a bit. First, body in motion = elevated creativity. Then consider: better sleep = clearer mind, better mood = better creativity, health = energy = ability to write more for longer, feeling better health wise = self-confidence.
Just some stuff to consider.
3. Write absolute crap.
Everything you type is crappy? Do it anyways. Write about all the cliches. Overload on dialogue. Make your characters say stupid stuff. Write something you think is awful, but just WRITE and KEEP GOING. It might be crappy, but laying it out there gives opportunity to keep the ideas in the back of your head, and who knows? Maybe even ONE sentence in that monstrosity will inspire genius. It also helps for filler scenes. Maybe you can take pieces of it, improve it, and stick it in somewhere. The fact that you are writing alone gets that part of your mind more active and will help the wheels in your brain get unstuck.
4. Write about something completely unrelated.
Method 1: 5 minute writing
Pick an object. Any object. Write about it for 5 minutes straight with no breaks. Don't stop to think about it. Just write crap. If you can't think of anything keep writing "can't think can't think why can't I think of anything this is so stupid!" then go off on a tangent about WHY it's stupid and how much you hate this idea and it wasn't a good idea anyways.
Method 2: short story
Just make stuff up. Write a short narrative or description, song, poem, anything but what you're currently having a block on. It doesn't have to be good, no one's going to read it, but you NEED to kick-start that area of your brain, so make up a story. Write about what you had for breakfast or an ordinary conversation you had with a friend. Write about your crush. Doesn't matter. If you hate it so much, at the end, just delete it. But the important thing is getting stuff out of your head and into text.
Method 3: blog
I'm not going to lie. That's partly why I started this blog in the first place. I needed to write stuff down but couldn't do it in my story, so I made a blog and MAN has it helped.
5. *controversial* You're more honest when you've had something to drink.
If you don't drink, no worries, keep going.
I'm going to start this off by saying I do NOT drink very much at all. In one YEAR, I spent $25 on alcohol. I am not saying to go get shitfaced and try to write, because that's a horrible idea. I'm saying, alcohol brings you a lot closer to honesty. That's why you act like an idiot and say stuff you shouldn't when you get drunk, because that filter's gone. The stuff you WANT to write will come a bit easier and even if it's not the greatest it will still be something down, and something is better than nothing. You can always go back and edit.
When I say "something to drink," I mean like... a single beer. Or one mixed drink with ONE shot in it. No. Not a "Newfie" shot. Not a bottle of vodka shot.
6. Read someone else's work.
I do this in a couple of different ways.
First is the obvious one: I read a book. Reading a successful writer's work gives you both ideas AND knowledge on how to write. It shows you how an editor would make you transition between scenes and how to effectively use dialogue and descriptors. Maybe it will invoke the right mood in your brain or push the right button.
The second one is to find amateur writing online, and read the works of other people who are looking for critiques. You can copy/paste their story into a word document and critique it in a different text color, helping you see what others are doing well and badly, and how to avoid some mistakes and expand on good qualities. Some of them might even welcome critique.
When I was young, around 13 or so, I used to go onto this website called Gaia Online. It was this anime-based forum site that my friend signed me up for, and I was all bitchy about it until I discovered their writer's forum. Suddenly, I spent all of my time in that forum, reading and critiquing other people's work. I still go back from time to time to read the prose that comes out of the teenagers there and even gain some inspiration from it.
7. Write a character background
Start a story about one of your character's lives. It gives them depth and lets you get to know them better, no matter how minor they are. If you know their back story, you know how to make them a lot more real and a lot less two dimensional. Their dialogue and actions will have more purpose and be a lot more relate-able. You don't want to be putting the back stories into your novel, but have them there in case you want to disclose some details or some background. Heck, if the need comes further down the line for some background, it's all a matter of copy and paste if you already have something written. The story doesn't need to be good or super in-depth or read like its own novel, but it should go into some detail and at least list the major events in that person's life. Talk about their friends, their family, their education. Their favorite color, food, whether they're bilingual, where they've taken vacations. Hell, even their favorite childhood activity.
It'll give you a break from the main story and perhaps even inspire some ideas.
8. Start an autobiography.
And go into as much detail as you like. Again, it's all about writing SOMETHING, even if it's not what you WANT to be writing. As soon as those wheels get turning, your writer's block is going to have a helluva time keeping up its fight.
And that's my advice. I'm no professional, but these are the things that have worked for me. Now I actually DO have to go and finish the first draft of this chapter, so I probably won't post again today until I can post that unicorn picture.
WHICH I DID DRAW!
I just haven't scanned it yet...
I am procrastinating the ever-living HELL out of writing today. I would rather update my blog 536 times today than start writing. And I've got my publisher on my ass being all "hey, when are you going to send in the chapter's manuscript to the consultant?" and yadda yadda "the sooner you get it to us the sooner we can start editing!" and it's like "holy crap, guys, I've got TWO novels to finish here, give me a freaking week!"
So instead of writing like mad, like I should be doing, I'm going to skip my writer's block struggle and talk a bit about being a writer on an internet blog with 5 readers.
Boring? I don't think so.
I try to divide my arts up pretty evenly. I'll spend equal amounts of time working on art commissions, practicing music, and writing. Lately, writing has been taking over my life a bit and it's starting to get a bit irritating. I feel like I can't walk away from a blank chapter, even if I have the WORST writer's block I have to write something, only to come back to it the next day and trash the whole thing.
The first novel is already completed. However, it was completed three years ago, and I want to make it better/move the storyline in a different direction. I need to update the vocab and write an entire parallel storyline in between what happened, because I left way too much out the first time. I end up sitting staring at the screen for hours before I give up and feel awful about myself, so I guess what I'm really going to touch on here is how to deal with writer's block.
The first thing I want to mention is something I actually learned in music school. While I was at the University, I took a songwriting class and they had a lot to say about writer's block. One of the things the teacher FORCED on us was the concept of bringing a notebook everywhere. And everyone always rolls their eyes at that and is all "stop telling me that," and I agree, I do the same. I carry my ideas notebook with me and rarely write something down, and it gets a little ridiculous.
What I DO do is carry my cell phone with me. That way when I get a random idea (especially in public) I don't have to drop all things and root for this notebook and pen and write it down and then forget what the point-form explanation means. I pull out my cell phone, call myself, and leave a message explaining the idea in full detail. That way it also just looks like I'm talking on the phone and no one judges me!
That wasn't really the point I wanted to address though. That's just a way of keeping all of your ideas.
THE REAL WRITER'S BLOCK ADVICE.
1. Go for a walk.
What I learned in songwriting is that there are two instances where you are at your most creative during a normal day: when your body is in motion, and when you're entering your sleep cycle. So, keep your cell phone by you when you're going to sleep, to record your sleepy ideas, whatever, but if you've got writer's block, get away from your computer and take a walk.
You don't need to go outside; you can just wander your house aimlessly. You can go to a mall and wander around and window shop or just people watch. Clean your room even. Hell, turn some music up in your room and dance around like an idiot. I like to take a quick jog around the block. It gets the endorphins going in your body, no matter how little exercise you're doing, and helps the creative wheels turn. Don't force it either. Stop wracking your brain and just go for it. Enjoy the outdoors/freedom of motion. After a while, you can start reflecting on it again, but until then just keep up some motion.
2. Consider regular exercise.
I know it's not for everyone. Some people just like to sit around and do nothing, but I can tell you that getting regular exercise helps with creativity. You sleep better, stuff in your body works better, and your mood improves, even if you suffer from chronic depression. And I'm not saying you should start training for a marathon or something. Just take a walk sometimes. Dance around your house. Get moving, get a bit more active. I like to go to the gym because once I'm there, what am I going to do except exercise? I have insomnia and depression AND obsessive tendencies, and I notice a huge improvement in all of these things when I keep up regular activities.
So what's the point? The point is tied into the last one a bit. First, body in motion = elevated creativity. Then consider: better sleep = clearer mind, better mood = better creativity, health = energy = ability to write more for longer, feeling better health wise = self-confidence.
Just some stuff to consider.
3. Write absolute crap.
Everything you type is crappy? Do it anyways. Write about all the cliches. Overload on dialogue. Make your characters say stupid stuff. Write something you think is awful, but just WRITE and KEEP GOING. It might be crappy, but laying it out there gives opportunity to keep the ideas in the back of your head, and who knows? Maybe even ONE sentence in that monstrosity will inspire genius. It also helps for filler scenes. Maybe you can take pieces of it, improve it, and stick it in somewhere. The fact that you are writing alone gets that part of your mind more active and will help the wheels in your brain get unstuck.
4. Write about something completely unrelated.
Method 1: 5 minute writing
Pick an object. Any object. Write about it for 5 minutes straight with no breaks. Don't stop to think about it. Just write crap. If you can't think of anything keep writing "can't think can't think why can't I think of anything this is so stupid!" then go off on a tangent about WHY it's stupid and how much you hate this idea and it wasn't a good idea anyways.
Method 2: short story
Just make stuff up. Write a short narrative or description, song, poem, anything but what you're currently having a block on. It doesn't have to be good, no one's going to read it, but you NEED to kick-start that area of your brain, so make up a story. Write about what you had for breakfast or an ordinary conversation you had with a friend. Write about your crush. Doesn't matter. If you hate it so much, at the end, just delete it. But the important thing is getting stuff out of your head and into text.
Method 3: blog
I'm not going to lie. That's partly why I started this blog in the first place. I needed to write stuff down but couldn't do it in my story, so I made a blog and MAN has it helped.
5. *controversial* You're more honest when you've had something to drink.
If you don't drink, no worries, keep going.
I'm going to start this off by saying I do NOT drink very much at all. In one YEAR, I spent $25 on alcohol. I am not saying to go get shitfaced and try to write, because that's a horrible idea. I'm saying, alcohol brings you a lot closer to honesty. That's why you act like an idiot and say stuff you shouldn't when you get drunk, because that filter's gone. The stuff you WANT to write will come a bit easier and even if it's not the greatest it will still be something down, and something is better than nothing. You can always go back and edit.
When I say "something to drink," I mean like... a single beer. Or one mixed drink with ONE shot in it. No. Not a "Newfie" shot. Not a bottle of vodka shot.
6. Read someone else's work.
I do this in a couple of different ways.
First is the obvious one: I read a book. Reading a successful writer's work gives you both ideas AND knowledge on how to write. It shows you how an editor would make you transition between scenes and how to effectively use dialogue and descriptors. Maybe it will invoke the right mood in your brain or push the right button.
The second one is to find amateur writing online, and read the works of other people who are looking for critiques. You can copy/paste their story into a word document and critique it in a different text color, helping you see what others are doing well and badly, and how to avoid some mistakes and expand on good qualities. Some of them might even welcome critique.
When I was young, around 13 or so, I used to go onto this website called Gaia Online. It was this anime-based forum site that my friend signed me up for, and I was all bitchy about it until I discovered their writer's forum. Suddenly, I spent all of my time in that forum, reading and critiquing other people's work. I still go back from time to time to read the prose that comes out of the teenagers there and even gain some inspiration from it.
7. Write a character background
Start a story about one of your character's lives. It gives them depth and lets you get to know them better, no matter how minor they are. If you know their back story, you know how to make them a lot more real and a lot less two dimensional. Their dialogue and actions will have more purpose and be a lot more relate-able. You don't want to be putting the back stories into your novel, but have them there in case you want to disclose some details or some background. Heck, if the need comes further down the line for some background, it's all a matter of copy and paste if you already have something written. The story doesn't need to be good or super in-depth or read like its own novel, but it should go into some detail and at least list the major events in that person's life. Talk about their friends, their family, their education. Their favorite color, food, whether they're bilingual, where they've taken vacations. Hell, even their favorite childhood activity.
It'll give you a break from the main story and perhaps even inspire some ideas.
8. Start an autobiography.
And go into as much detail as you like. Again, it's all about writing SOMETHING, even if it's not what you WANT to be writing. As soon as those wheels get turning, your writer's block is going to have a helluva time keeping up its fight.
And that's my advice. I'm no professional, but these are the things that have worked for me. Now I actually DO have to go and finish the first draft of this chapter, so I probably won't post again today until I can post that unicorn picture.
WHICH I DID DRAW!
I just haven't scanned it yet...
Five things I would rather do than talk to strangers.
So, I suck at being social. The thought alone of going into a group of people I don't know and having to stay there for any period of time is enough to make me sick to my stomach. Some people call it social anxiety, and I've had people tell me "it's okay, lots of people suffer from this, you should talk to a support group or something!"
... okay, people, clean your ears/eyes out and listen/read again. I hate talking to strangers. Why on earth would I go to a stranger and tell them that? Here's how a conversation between two socially anxious people trying to find support from each other would go.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"I hate talking to strangers."
"Me too."
*simultaneous panic attack*
I'm slowly forcing myself to be put into situations where I have to interact with strangers, and have no choice in the matter so that once I commit, I'm good. Meeting with customers is alright, but I still have trouble acting confident in my abilities around them so I tend to keep 90% of my business to e-mail, with meetings in person only to quickly go over a concept and get paid before I run for the hills. Meeting with this band I got hired into was the most terrifying thing I've done in a while because I had to meet with THREE new people at once AND they were judging me. However, I get over musicians a lot quicker than other people because you get to know them through their music when you're jamming. So I like them now! Still a little scared of the band manager because he's quiet and quiet people terrify me.
Even e-mailing strangers makes me nervous. I will put that off until I don't have a choice.
So, I compiled a list of things that I would rather do than talk to a stranger.
1. Wrestle a bear.
I would probably start out wrestling a bear but then it would be all like "hey bear, let's forget this foolishness and be friends and forget about people and that way I could escape into the wilderness and never have to talk to a stranger again and you could teach me bear ways." The bear would either be like "Yeah sure bro, let's go!" or "NO SCREW YOU" and try to eat my face, and then I would be all ninja and dropkick that bear. Either way I just become awesome, and that's WAY better than having a conversation with someone who would just judge me.
2. Get a paper cut.
All those people who are like "paper cuts are the worst thing to ever have happened, it feels like my hand has been destroyed forever!!" are big freaking wussies. Seriously. I'm an ARTIST, I work with paper all day and that stuff cuts me up good some days. The initial feeling is very similar to "OMG I'M GOING TO DIE" but literally one second later it's like nothing happened and you put a Scooby-Doo bandaid on it and voila, end of your problems. Conversations with strangers are accompanied for the eternity that you're stuck there with a feeling of impending doom. And not just normal doom, doom that will be the doomiest doom you have ever imagined doom to be. In fact, you're probably not going to survive, so give up now.
3. The Afro Circus Challenge.
Because afterwards you have no brain left and are not capable of normal conversation anyways, so who gives a crap if you have to encounter strangers after?
4. Fight Jackie Chan.
Okay, he would kick my as about a billion times faster than any bear could, but who WOULDN'T want to get their butt kicked by Jackie Chan? And I don't even care if he's a stranger, just because I'm fighting him wouldn't mean I would have to talk to him. And then I could show off my moves. I've got some sick drop-kicking moves.
5. Spend a week on "The Island" from Lost.
That's the creepy-ass slave ship that crashed on The Island that contained stupid amounts of dynamite and had people die in it chained to the walls and just basically screwed a lot of crap up. I would deal with the psychotic people that lived in a eerily joyful-looking town with white picket fences and happy yellow houses, the effing polar bears, the bigass black smoke monster than broke people, the random time travel, the lack of internet, and the ghosts... if it meant I didn't have to talk to a stranger.
So I actually put some thought into my top five there. I had some other ideas, but they were either nowhere hardcore enough to explain how much I hate meeting new people or defeated the purpose of not talking to strangers.
Things that almost made the list:
Read a dictionary
Take an arrow to the knee (but then I realized that would require talking to strangers: doctors) (also I realized people probably wouldn't clue in that I picked that option BECAUSE so many people overdo it and then they would judge me)
Touch a hot stove
Punch a shark
Get hit in the face with a bass drum pedal
Get a sunburn
Watch a horror movie alone in my basement at night
Unfortunately, none of these things are effective in helping me out of the horrifying fate of talking to people that I don't know, because I can't say things like "sorry, can't talk, have to go wrestle a bear," or "sorry, can't meet, I'm lost of the Island," or, "man, I'd love to but Jackie Chan really wants to fight right now!" so I just have to deal with the stupid amounts of awkward.
Which begs the question why I'm all cool with the idea of having a blog that random strangers are reading. Maybe because it's all anonymous and stuff. No idea. But here I am!
... okay, people, clean your ears/eyes out and listen/read again. I hate talking to strangers. Why on earth would I go to a stranger and tell them that? Here's how a conversation between two socially anxious people trying to find support from each other would go.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"I hate talking to strangers."
"Me too."
*simultaneous panic attack*
I'm slowly forcing myself to be put into situations where I have to interact with strangers, and have no choice in the matter so that once I commit, I'm good. Meeting with customers is alright, but I still have trouble acting confident in my abilities around them so I tend to keep 90% of my business to e-mail, with meetings in person only to quickly go over a concept and get paid before I run for the hills. Meeting with this band I got hired into was the most terrifying thing I've done in a while because I had to meet with THREE new people at once AND they were judging me. However, I get over musicians a lot quicker than other people because you get to know them through their music when you're jamming. So I like them now! Still a little scared of the band manager because he's quiet and quiet people terrify me.
Even e-mailing strangers makes me nervous. I will put that off until I don't have a choice.
So, I compiled a list of things that I would rather do than talk to a stranger.
1. Wrestle a bear.
I would probably start out wrestling a bear but then it would be all like "hey bear, let's forget this foolishness and be friends and forget about people and that way I could escape into the wilderness and never have to talk to a stranger again and you could teach me bear ways." The bear would either be like "Yeah sure bro, let's go!" or "NO SCREW YOU" and try to eat my face, and then I would be all ninja and dropkick that bear. Either way I just become awesome, and that's WAY better than having a conversation with someone who would just judge me.
2. Get a paper cut.
All those people who are like "paper cuts are the worst thing to ever have happened, it feels like my hand has been destroyed forever!!" are big freaking wussies. Seriously. I'm an ARTIST, I work with paper all day and that stuff cuts me up good some days. The initial feeling is very similar to "OMG I'M GOING TO DIE" but literally one second later it's like nothing happened and you put a Scooby-Doo bandaid on it and voila, end of your problems. Conversations with strangers are accompanied for the eternity that you're stuck there with a feeling of impending doom. And not just normal doom, doom that will be the doomiest doom you have ever imagined doom to be. In fact, you're probably not going to survive, so give up now.
3. The Afro Circus Challenge.
Because afterwards you have no brain left and are not capable of normal conversation anyways, so who gives a crap if you have to encounter strangers after?
4. Fight Jackie Chan.
Okay, he would kick my as about a billion times faster than any bear could, but who WOULDN'T want to get their butt kicked by Jackie Chan? And I don't even care if he's a stranger, just because I'm fighting him wouldn't mean I would have to talk to him. And then I could show off my moves. I've got some sick drop-kicking moves.
5. Spend a week on "The Island" from Lost.
That's the creepy-ass slave ship that crashed on The Island that contained stupid amounts of dynamite and had people die in it chained to the walls and just basically screwed a lot of crap up. I would deal with the psychotic people that lived in a eerily joyful-looking town with white picket fences and happy yellow houses, the effing polar bears, the bigass black smoke monster than broke people, the random time travel, the lack of internet, and the ghosts... if it meant I didn't have to talk to a stranger.
So I actually put some thought into my top five there. I had some other ideas, but they were either nowhere hardcore enough to explain how much I hate meeting new people or defeated the purpose of not talking to strangers.
Things that almost made the list:
Read a dictionary
Take an arrow to the knee (but then I realized that would require talking to strangers: doctors) (also I realized people probably wouldn't clue in that I picked that option BECAUSE so many people overdo it and then they would judge me)
Touch a hot stove
Punch a shark
Get hit in the face with a bass drum pedal
Get a sunburn
Watch a horror movie alone in my basement at night
Unfortunately, none of these things are effective in helping me out of the horrifying fate of talking to people that I don't know, because I can't say things like "sorry, can't talk, have to go wrestle a bear," or "sorry, can't meet, I'm lost of the Island," or, "man, I'd love to but Jackie Chan really wants to fight right now!" so I just have to deal with the stupid amounts of awkward.
Which begs the question why I'm all cool with the idea of having a blog that random strangers are reading. Maybe because it's all anonymous and stuff. No idea. But here I am!
Apparently I'm on Stumbleupon!
And I'm kinda really sorry if you came from there expecting awesomeness and then it was all like "PSYCH!! It's just a blog about someone's life, who gives a shit, hit the button again!!" but I thought it was kinda cool that one of my five readers threw my link up there. Perhaps I will get MORE actual real-life readers? That would be fun. But at the same time terrifying. Now I have to find a way to be all I'M HOOKING YOU INTO MY LIFE STORY right off the bat. Maybe it is time to start incorporating pictures...
PS, I know I promised you a picture for yesterday and totally failed and let you down and I'm an ass but I drew one and it sucked and I was angry at it so it's sitting unloved in my sketch book. I'm so sorry. I will make up for it with a unicorn or something of the sort. Originally it was a step-by-step guide on how to be a successful artist like me, but then I thought it was retarded and didn't even color it =(
But I WILL promise you a sharpie unicorn today because I do, in fact, own one of those packs of Sharpies with colors you'll never use in a million years UNLESS you draw Sharpie unicorns.
And I will use every color.
Uh... that's not the point of this post, though...
Yeah. Right. Stumbleupon. So Blogger does this thing in your little personal behind the scenes workshop where it shows your daily pageviews (which is where I saw the 5 readers!) but today I logged on and it was all like "8 readers!" And I was like "wtf, Blogger, no way 8 people read this! Where are they coming from?" And looked at the new traffic sources and it was like "someone thought you were cool and put you on a website so people can find you so you didn't have to do it yourself and feel vain! Aren't you SO HAPPY?!"
And I said sure.
So that's the story of how I became 8-people famous on Stumbleupon. I bet my masses of new viewers just love the shit out of me now...
PS, I know I promised you a picture for yesterday and totally failed and let you down and I'm an ass but I drew one and it sucked and I was angry at it so it's sitting unloved in my sketch book. I'm so sorry. I will make up for it with a unicorn or something of the sort. Originally it was a step-by-step guide on how to be a successful artist like me, but then I thought it was retarded and didn't even color it =(
But I WILL promise you a sharpie unicorn today because I do, in fact, own one of those packs of Sharpies with colors you'll never use in a million years UNLESS you draw Sharpie unicorns.
And I will use every color.
Uh... that's not the point of this post, though...
Yeah. Right. Stumbleupon. So Blogger does this thing in your little personal behind the scenes workshop where it shows your daily pageviews (which is where I saw the 5 readers!) but today I logged on and it was all like "8 readers!" And I was like "wtf, Blogger, no way 8 people read this! Where are they coming from?" And looked at the new traffic sources and it was like "someone thought you were cool and put you on a website so people can find you so you didn't have to do it yourself and feel vain! Aren't you SO HAPPY?!"
And I said sure.
So that's the story of how I became 8-people famous on Stumbleupon. I bet my masses of new viewers just love the shit out of me now...
7/4/12
Cliche lists are stupid. Stop showing them to me.
So sometimes I get a friend or a friend of a friend who claims to be an active reader to read over some parts of my manuscript. I am an educated and very active reader with a lot of insight on proper
literary devices. It's just hard for me to judge my own stuff and the
more outside insight I get, the better. I just so happened to get two reviews back today... one was truly helpful, but the other one was just accompanied by this link:
Click!
And an explanation of "get your cliches sorted out. The biggest problem you have is using modern dialogue. People from that age should not talk like that."
And I hate cliche lists. I glance down some from time to time to make sure I'm avoiding the big ones, but seriously? That's the one you pick? If I wrote dialogue like those people used to talk in half the fantasy novels are written it, you wouldn't understand f**** all of it, because Old English is very, very, VERY not like Shakespeare where you can get the gist of it if you don't read Old English. Real, common-tongue Old English is hard enough to read from 100 years ago, never mind 400. I have an 80yo book written in what was considered to be Old Tongue and it took me forever to work it through. It is IMPOSSIBLE to write like that.
I used to do this thing where I would take critiques of stories that people sent me and post them up on the internet for education purposes. I am about to do that now with this stupid-as-all-hell list. So brace yourselves.
Some of these are pretty legit. Others suck some major nad. Also, I didn't post the whole list because it's HUGE.
PLOTS
Little people come from a country resembling England to defeat the evil wizard/king/complete the quest/save the world/etc.
When has this EVER been done other than LotR?!
Hero has a wise old teacher who turns out the be his grandfather or mother.
This is pretty legitimate. I hate that.
Hero falls in love with someone he knows he can’t have, but gets her in the end anyway.
Well, everyone roots for the underdog. I just would REALLY not force it. Eragon forced it hardcore and it was like being beat over the head with a "are you stupid yet?" stick. However, Goodkind did it freakin' AWESOMELY.
The quest is for a jewel/sword/ring/box or other artifact that can destroy/save the world.
So what else would you suggest? If the quest is for an object, so be it, quest stories are all about the adventure anyways. Who cares what they're after, all anyone cares about is the journey and the epic fight scenes in between.
Retelling of Arthurian legends or the Robin Hood story.
If you do this, do it WELL and keep the character names so everyone knows you're using a different story basis. I like a lot of re-tellings and
A rag-tag band of adventurers who don’t get along have to team up to save the world and along the way discover that they really do like each other.
Adds to the adventure if you ask me. If people can overcome challenges with people they hate, why not? And overcoming that is a good plot point as well. Unless it's magical healmostfelloffacliffandthentheguysavedhimandtheywerebestfriendsforlife, I honestly don't see a problem with it.
Untrained/untried novice goes up against a battle-hardened veteran and wins.
Okay. I'm going to get confusing here. First of all, the way writers tell this story, this point is totally accurate. I HATE how authors and new writers do this crap in its fantastical view of glory-bound sword swinging. That's not how this shit works. HOWEVER, I took swordfighting lessons for 7 years and I know firsthand that newbie sword people are almost as hard to fight as the pros. Why? Because they flail around senselessly and you have NO IDEA how to react to the random crap they throw at you. However, this is not how they are portrayed in the books, and so I give this point a thumbs-up.
Modern human, usually an American, gets pulled into a fantasy world, usually a pseudo-medieval one, and manages to save the day without dying of disease or ignorance.
I've never read one of these guys but it sounds interesting... however, as far as disease goes, if they keep shoes on and stay away from meat they should be fine. The reason why those times were so awful with disease is because they didn't know how to deal with it and half of them were barefoot in the mud and getting cut on rusty things and not cleaning the wounds. As far as ignorance, as long as they have a guide it should be fine. That society had a lot of crazies, so out-of-place things wouldn't draw much attention. However the STUPID LANGUAGE BARRIER WOULD. Screw you critic!!!
Virtual reality used to create a game environment that becomes real, trapping the players in that created world.
This is legit. Eff those stories.
The people the hero thinks are his parents really aren’t–he’s actually the son of a king/wizard/famous warrior.
Yeah F*** that. The only thing worse than that is "lol jk I'm not dead, back alive now!!"
Villain is hero’s father.
Legit too. I hate that. So hardcore. I'm talking to YOU, Paolini! King of ALL the cliches...
Twins separated at birth meet accidentally and fulfill a destiny.
That sounds awful. While I've never read one of these, it sounds like a very bad story.
One twin is good the other is evil.
Given the right circumstances with a bit of an exasperated undertone, this could work. It would have to be done very, VERY well. However, anytime else, stay the heck away,
Hero goes to dwarves to get magical gifts.
I don't understand.
Hero falls in love with heroine at first sight.
Well in a romantic setting isn't that the heartstring puller? Terry Goodkind did this VERY well in his Sword of Truth series. Sometimes it's lame, but only if that's the main focus of the relationship and overdone. What I really want to say is "do not EVER say the words "love at first sight." You can do, but DO NOT SAY."
Hero becomes ruler of the land and all is good and peaceful, even though he spent his formative years as a swineherd.
In history, this did happen. In distant history, but in history nonetheless. The other thing is that the readers are going to love the underdog story and love that they turned out to be good with their newfound power. Because who is more sympathetic to the oppressed than those that HAVE been oppressed? Again, it may be done often, but that's because it's a good direction to head in. Just find an interesting and realistic angle on it and boom, go for it. At the level of teenage fiction, Tamora Pierce did this character development very well in her stories.
Woman is raped, becomes and adventurer to avenge herself. Child sees family killed, becomes adventurer to revenge him/herself. Revenge as a motivator.
Revenge is a POWERFUL thing. Get over it. Take revenge out as a motivator and you have quite a bit less to work with if you're pitting someone against another person. You want the MC to beat the crap out of the Antagonist just 'cause? Or should they have a real reason to? You tell me.
CHARACTERS:
Evil guy wants to take over the world just because he is evil.
Yeah. At lease give him some MOTIVE to be evil. Find a reason why he likes screwing shit up.
Heroes who are utterly selfless and only think of the Greater Good.
Yes. Skip the Jesus character. Your character will relate to people a lot better if they have some sort of fault.
Evil rulers/wizards in general.
This is crap. How the hell are people supposed to set up a powerful antagonist if evil is ruled right out? If there's not an element of evil at LEAST, there's no reason for the protagonist to go ape shit on this guy.
Girls who disguise themselves as boys in order to adventure.
News flash... women were not allowed to do ANYTHING back then. Nothing. Unless you SPECIFICALLY set up a criteria where there was an ESTABLISHED set of rules allowing women to do stuff, then do whatever. However, to be historically accurate, they HAD TO if they wanted to do ANYTHING. You complain about shying away from historical accuracy and then bitch when people stick to it. You, sir, SUCK AT THIS.
Spunky/feisty/spirited heroines.
Lots of people LOVE a good, strong female character. And strong in the fantasy world means all of these things. You're saying women aren't allowed to be spirited just because it's been done before? That's retarded and rules out SO MANY areas of literature.
Handsome/rugged/dashing heroes.
Again, what's with the ruling out of this crap? Yes, it's been done before, but it ALSO makes the character more appealing to general audiences.
The wise old wizard/hag/witch/herbalist/shaman/healer/etc.
As a main character or primary aide to the main character, legitimate. As a secondary character, completely stupid. Why would you, AGAIN, take such a big chunk out of Fantasy?
Hero saves the world to win the heart of a woman.
When a man wants a girl, a man wants a girl. I think, while this can EASILY be done horrifically, it can also be done very well with the right tone.
Hero is identified as the one true heir by a birthmark/ring/sword/other artifact.
Yeah that's stupid, I'll agree with you there. It's like "oh, look, I'm even MORE awesome than you thought I was, SURPRISE!"
A loyal servant who knows the true heir’s identity lives with him/her as a guardian/protector/teacher/etc
*cough* Paolini *cough*
Priests who go adventuring.
Hey, why not? They spend their whole lives cooped up, human nature is very curious and they make for good challenges.
Hero is too humble for his own good.
Yeah screw that.
Novice hero is too competent and/or never makes a mistake.
MCs can never be TOO perfect. It makes the story flat and boring and makes your character be all like "LOOK AT ME AND HOW AWESOME I AM! HEY! DON'T YOU THINK I'M AWESOME?!"
Hero and heroine have constant sex and she never gets pregnant.
Unless a reason is given, this is pretty legit.
Evil men who are pedophiles/homosexuals/male chauvinists or any combination of the above for no other reason than to make them more distasteful.
Why else would they have some of those characteristics? Excluding being homosex, because ain't nothing wrong with that (oh hell I just said that... all...) but give me another reason for being a pedo?
Evil = ugly, stupid and mean while Good = beautiful/handsome, wise and kind.
wise, smart, and nice people generally aren't evil... so... I don't see how you can apply those characteristics to evil people... so... yeah. I agree with the physical attributes part, but other than that it kinda makes sense.
Mages who use their powers indiscriminately and to ridiculous excess.
Yeah, calm your shit.
Mages who are also master swordsmen.
Well, that's actually pretty badass... as long as they aren't swordsmen because of magic. Literally the ONLY way I ever saw magical sword powers done well was through Goodkind.
SETTINGS/WORLD ELEMENTS:
Doomsday weapons.
... not really a cliche, more of just... a thing...
Totally good/evil races.
Yeah that's never done well.
Someone has a cute pet.
Why are you wiping this off the map? Nothing wrong with cute sometimes. Chicks dig it.
Lots of apostrophes in fantasy languages without good linguistic reasons.
Agreed. It doesn't make you look awesome, it makes you sound like you have a stutter.
Fantasy names beginning with X, Z, G, K, or any other hard consonant.
So Kyle, Greg, Jack, Devon, Tyler... all out? My MC's name is Jaqueline... that's out too? That's STUPID.
Fantasy names/words with a lack of vowels.
Yeah, you can't pronounce that crap, even in your inside-the-head voice.
Fantasy names with too many vowels.
What are you, the vowel police? Though I agree, sometimes it CAN get ridiculous.
Names that are too suggestive of a character’s personality, i.e. someone named Cipher is an enigma.
Every once in a while it's fine, but done for more than a couple of characters in an extensive line of characters is stupid.
Person sacrifices life to save others, but is resurrected later.
YEAH. I HATE WHEN DEAD PEOPLE COME BACK. HATE IT ENOUGH FOR ALL CAPS. Although sometimes in very rare cases it's done really well... but it's RARE.
Evil villain is physically scarred in some way.
I wouldn't wipe this straight out. You don't want any main character to be completely perfect, even physically.
Evil villain must always kill at least one henchman no matter how loyal he is.
Yeah, that's beating the reader over the head with the "I'm evil stick"
Slightest infraction/failure is punished by death.
Yeah, it's not like they have an unlimited amount of people who also like being evil and other stuff.
Big dark castle/tower/fortress/keep, usually impenetrable except for the secret passage only the hero’s guide knows about.
Yeah, too convenient. Find a way for your character to legitimately accomplish something.
Dark minions are idiots.
Parents of hero are dead. (Or, in the Disney variation: mother is dead, father is loveable buffoon.)
Orphaned MCs are the BIGGEST cliche in the books. Well done, you found a very good one... bonus points for finding out one or both is still alive. Extra bonus points if they're evil. Extra extra bonus points if they're the king and queen of some shit.
Fight breaks out in a bar.
Well bars tend to be violent places... full of drunk people as they are...
Innocent people rescued from nasty death/fate worse than death just in the nick of time.
Adds to suspense. I don't really see the problem with that...
Secret passages are never booby-trapped.
Yeah, that's annoying. Bonus points if the exit/entrance isn't guarded by any means.
Sidekicks/flunkies who are mindlessly loyal/devoted.
Well sometimes that happens, especially if they idolize the hero. Done very well in LotR with Samwise. Sometimes can be powerful and useful plot devices. A lot of times, though, they are done horridly.
Deformed man with a heart of gold/Handsome villain with a heart of darkest evil.
Only cliche if they're in the same story.
Fantasy societies based off of the Celts or Norsemen.
Fantasy empires based off the Romans.
Warrior cultures based off of the Samurai or Spartans.
Okay I'm grouping these three together because it's the same rant for every one. What the hell ELSE are you going to base it off of? These are the STRONGEST examples we have to give us modern day insight. The dun it, and they dun it GOOD. Seems to me this person is pissed off when a writer does something historically unheard of, but then gets pissed off when it's historically accurate! They are beating us with the "HAHA you can't write on anything and I'm so much more intelligenter than YOUUUUU" stick. Please no one tell anyone I used intelligenter...
Elves, orcs, dwarves, trolls, dragons, unicorns and any other race that has appeared in Dungeons and Dragons.
In translation: "F*CK YOU, you don't get to write classic/traditional fantasy anymore... SUCKERS!"
Amazons/stoic women warriors.
I'm agreeing ONLY on the grounds that no one ever does it well.
Large-breasted Amazons in tiny brassiers who have no trouble keeping their clothes on, let alone their balance.
Yeah, wouldn't the people interested in the large breasts be happier about a clothing malfunction anyways?
Artifacts of power.
The frick. SERIOUSLY? Just take all that shit away, then, never allowed to use something of power... in a FANTASY novel... for frick's sake...
Pseudo-medieval societies with 1990s liberal sensibilities about things like womens’ rights and homosexuality.
See, but before they said women shouldn't have to dress up like men to go and adventure. Get your stuff straight.
Hero’s culture has no brothels, no bars and everyone smokes a pipe but nothing stronger.
Here's a kicker, at the end of this list, "brothels" are listed. Again, get your stuff straight. Though I agree that the perfect society image is a little stupid.
Black magic vs. White magic.
In my brain I can see how this could turn into a very cool thing, but AGAIN, not the way most people do it. Unless there was a very specific reason and good background as to why these two magics are at war, leave it be. And the black/white thing is old too.
Magic systems that follow laws too much like modern physics.
Actually, I find that most appealing and relateable and realistic.
Magic systems that follow no discernable rules at all.
Agreed. Give it some limits or otherwise it's no fun.
Magic systems that change when its plot-convenient.
Unless there's a good reason, agreed. A legitimately good reason.
Virgin sacrifices.
... again, this is historically and culturally accurate.
Human/animal psychic bonds, especially with dogs/wolves/cats/horses/dragons/etc.
Yes.
Characters speaking in 1990s flavored English.
... well, you all know my take on that.
Churches based on the medieval Catholic Church but that have a history totally unlike the Catholic Church.
Just because something is based on one thing, doesn't mean it has to match it perfectly. ESPECIALLY if it goes by a different name. This is called fiction...
Matriarchal religions/societies are good while patriarchal ones are bad. (Ditto for polytheism vs. monotheism.)
What.
Everybody in the world worships the same god/pantheon of gods.
A couple of points. If the gods are actual existing beings in the stories (even potential characters) this kind of thing would make sense. Also if religion is not a large part of your story, don't worry about it. No use cramming all of the details into the readers' brains if they're going to be useless to the story. A major rule of writing is to make every sentence progress the story further.
Noble savages/barbarians/etc.
What.
Everybody in the world speaks the same language.
Kind of legitimate but not a HUGE point. Adds some world development if you can fit it in nicely. But don't conveniently have one character ALWAYS around that knows how to fluently speak every freaking single one of them...
City dwellers are automatically corrupt and weak.
I've never seen this stereotype.
Female warriors wholl only surrender to a man if he defeats them in battle.
Yeah I hate that.
Cities in the middle of the desert with no water or food supply that somehow survive.
Never seen this in a story to the point of being problematic before... you don't need to know every detail about a city. If they're in the middle of the desert, maybe they found a way.
Women as prizes/booty for barbarian (or even civilized) heroes.
AGAIN. HISTORY. HISTORY YOU -IDIOT-. History was a thing. That happened. In real life.
Societies where no one seems to do anything but adventure.
haha never seen this in actual published prose.
True feudal societies where the king holds absolute power.
HISTORY! FOR THE GOOD OF EVERYTHING IT'S CALLED HISTOR*Cue head exploding over all of everything in the room*
Shops called Adventurers’ Supply or the like.
HAH! Who did that?! No way that's actually a thing.
Village taverns, especially those populated with saucy tavern wenches.
... But they... were... actual... I give up.
Worlds that read as though they were created by a really bad Dungeon Master.
I don't know what that means but I bet they aren't published anyways.
50-pound broadswords.
Well 50lbs isn't that bad, I can carry 50lbs pretty easily. However, I know what you MEANT, and I agree. Things like the Final Fantasy broadsword bigger than the character are ridiculous and annoying and not badass at all, stop trying.
Swords that shoot lightning, glow, etc.
Eh. Kinda on a "don't care" basis here.
Fur loincloths and chainmail bikinis in winter.
HAH.
Worlds where morals are strictly black and white.
Yeah, give us some depth, seriously.
Societies where the morals are exactly the same as ours.
Gives us something to relate to, I guess. Also, how can morals be exactly the same as ours? We as a group don't share morals... that's why we have governments....
Slavery.
DA FUCK?!
Boy slaves get released after 5-7 years of service; girl slaves do not.
... his... history... *cue sobbing onto keyboard*
Worlds where the nobility are all corrupt and/or perverted.
Yeah, you know what, F*CK HISTORY. We don't need that shit anyways.
Prostitutes/brothels.
Again.
So lots of swearing and beating-things-with-sticks (stupid drummers...) but that's the gist of my rant on stupid people who think everything has to be super new and cutting-edge. Whoever wrote this was awful and uneducated and I can't believe someone actually applied it to my beloved story.
Click!
And an explanation of "get your cliches sorted out. The biggest problem you have is using modern dialogue. People from that age should not talk like that."
And I hate cliche lists. I glance down some from time to time to make sure I'm avoiding the big ones, but seriously? That's the one you pick? If I wrote dialogue like those people used to talk in half the fantasy novels are written it, you wouldn't understand f**** all of it, because Old English is very, very, VERY not like Shakespeare where you can get the gist of it if you don't read Old English. Real, common-tongue Old English is hard enough to read from 100 years ago, never mind 400. I have an 80yo book written in what was considered to be Old Tongue and it took me forever to work it through. It is IMPOSSIBLE to write like that.
I used to do this thing where I would take critiques of stories that people sent me and post them up on the internet for education purposes. I am about to do that now with this stupid-as-all-hell list. So brace yourselves.
Some of these are pretty legit. Others suck some major nad. Also, I didn't post the whole list because it's HUGE.
PLOTS
Little people come from a country resembling England to defeat the evil wizard/king/complete the quest/save the world/etc.
When has this EVER been done other than LotR?!
Hero has a wise old teacher who turns out the be his grandfather or mother.
This is pretty legitimate. I hate that.
Hero falls in love with someone he knows he can’t have, but gets her in the end anyway.
Well, everyone roots for the underdog. I just would REALLY not force it. Eragon forced it hardcore and it was like being beat over the head with a "are you stupid yet?" stick. However, Goodkind did it freakin' AWESOMELY.
The quest is for a jewel/sword/ring/box or other artifact that can destroy/save the world.
So what else would you suggest? If the quest is for an object, so be it, quest stories are all about the adventure anyways. Who cares what they're after, all anyone cares about is the journey and the epic fight scenes in between.
Retelling of Arthurian legends or the Robin Hood story.
If you do this, do it WELL and keep the character names so everyone knows you're using a different story basis. I like a lot of re-tellings and
A rag-tag band of adventurers who don’t get along have to team up to save the world and along the way discover that they really do like each other.
Adds to the adventure if you ask me. If people can overcome challenges with people they hate, why not? And overcoming that is a good plot point as well. Unless it's magical healmostfelloffacliffandthentheguysavedhimandtheywerebestfriendsforlife, I honestly don't see a problem with it.
Untrained/untried novice goes up against a battle-hardened veteran and wins.
Okay. I'm going to get confusing here. First of all, the way writers tell this story, this point is totally accurate. I HATE how authors and new writers do this crap in its fantastical view of glory-bound sword swinging. That's not how this shit works. HOWEVER, I took swordfighting lessons for 7 years and I know firsthand that newbie sword people are almost as hard to fight as the pros. Why? Because they flail around senselessly and you have NO IDEA how to react to the random crap they throw at you. However, this is not how they are portrayed in the books, and so I give this point a thumbs-up.
Modern human, usually an American, gets pulled into a fantasy world, usually a pseudo-medieval one, and manages to save the day without dying of disease or ignorance.
I've never read one of these guys but it sounds interesting... however, as far as disease goes, if they keep shoes on and stay away from meat they should be fine. The reason why those times were so awful with disease is because they didn't know how to deal with it and half of them were barefoot in the mud and getting cut on rusty things and not cleaning the wounds. As far as ignorance, as long as they have a guide it should be fine. That society had a lot of crazies, so out-of-place things wouldn't draw much attention. However the STUPID LANGUAGE BARRIER WOULD. Screw you critic!!!
Virtual reality used to create a game environment that becomes real, trapping the players in that created world.
This is legit. Eff those stories.
The people the hero thinks are his parents really aren’t–he’s actually the son of a king/wizard/famous warrior.
Yeah F*** that. The only thing worse than that is "lol jk I'm not dead, back alive now!!"
Villain is hero’s father.
Legit too. I hate that. So hardcore. I'm talking to YOU, Paolini! King of ALL the cliches...
Twins separated at birth meet accidentally and fulfill a destiny.
That sounds awful. While I've never read one of these, it sounds like a very bad story.
One twin is good the other is evil.
Given the right circumstances with a bit of an exasperated undertone, this could work. It would have to be done very, VERY well. However, anytime else, stay the heck away,
Hero goes to dwarves to get magical gifts.
I don't understand.
Hero falls in love with heroine at first sight.
Well in a romantic setting isn't that the heartstring puller? Terry Goodkind did this VERY well in his Sword of Truth series. Sometimes it's lame, but only if that's the main focus of the relationship and overdone. What I really want to say is "do not EVER say the words "love at first sight." You can do, but DO NOT SAY."
Hero becomes ruler of the land and all is good and peaceful, even though he spent his formative years as a swineherd.
In history, this did happen. In distant history, but in history nonetheless. The other thing is that the readers are going to love the underdog story and love that they turned out to be good with their newfound power. Because who is more sympathetic to the oppressed than those that HAVE been oppressed? Again, it may be done often, but that's because it's a good direction to head in. Just find an interesting and realistic angle on it and boom, go for it. At the level of teenage fiction, Tamora Pierce did this character development very well in her stories.
Woman is raped, becomes and adventurer to avenge herself. Child sees family killed, becomes adventurer to revenge him/herself. Revenge as a motivator.
Revenge is a POWERFUL thing. Get over it. Take revenge out as a motivator and you have quite a bit less to work with if you're pitting someone against another person. You want the MC to beat the crap out of the Antagonist just 'cause? Or should they have a real reason to? You tell me.
CHARACTERS:
Evil guy wants to take over the world just because he is evil.
Yeah. At lease give him some MOTIVE to be evil. Find a reason why he likes screwing shit up.
Heroes who are utterly selfless and only think of the Greater Good.
Yes. Skip the Jesus character. Your character will relate to people a lot better if they have some sort of fault.
Evil rulers/wizards in general.
This is crap. How the hell are people supposed to set up a powerful antagonist if evil is ruled right out? If there's not an element of evil at LEAST, there's no reason for the protagonist to go ape shit on this guy.
Girls who disguise themselves as boys in order to adventure.
News flash... women were not allowed to do ANYTHING back then. Nothing. Unless you SPECIFICALLY set up a criteria where there was an ESTABLISHED set of rules allowing women to do stuff, then do whatever. However, to be historically accurate, they HAD TO if they wanted to do ANYTHING. You complain about shying away from historical accuracy and then bitch when people stick to it. You, sir, SUCK AT THIS.
Spunky/feisty/spirited heroines.
Lots of people LOVE a good, strong female character. And strong in the fantasy world means all of these things. You're saying women aren't allowed to be spirited just because it's been done before? That's retarded and rules out SO MANY areas of literature.
Handsome/rugged/dashing heroes.
Again, what's with the ruling out of this crap? Yes, it's been done before, but it ALSO makes the character more appealing to general audiences.
The wise old wizard/hag/witch/herbalist/shaman/healer/etc.
As a main character or primary aide to the main character, legitimate. As a secondary character, completely stupid. Why would you, AGAIN, take such a big chunk out of Fantasy?
Hero saves the world to win the heart of a woman.
When a man wants a girl, a man wants a girl. I think, while this can EASILY be done horrifically, it can also be done very well with the right tone.
Hero is identified as the one true heir by a birthmark/ring/sword/other artifact.
Yeah that's stupid, I'll agree with you there. It's like "oh, look, I'm even MORE awesome than you thought I was, SURPRISE!"
A loyal servant who knows the true heir’s identity lives with him/her as a guardian/protector/teacher/etc
*cough* Paolini *cough*
Priests who go adventuring.
Hey, why not? They spend their whole lives cooped up, human nature is very curious and they make for good challenges.
Hero is too humble for his own good.
Yeah screw that.
Novice hero is too competent and/or never makes a mistake.
MCs can never be TOO perfect. It makes the story flat and boring and makes your character be all like "LOOK AT ME AND HOW AWESOME I AM! HEY! DON'T YOU THINK I'M AWESOME?!"
Hero and heroine have constant sex and she never gets pregnant.
Unless a reason is given, this is pretty legit.
Evil men who are pedophiles/homosexuals/male chauvinists or any combination of the above for no other reason than to make them more distasteful.
Why else would they have some of those characteristics? Excluding being homosex, because ain't nothing wrong with that (oh hell I just said that... all...) but give me another reason for being a pedo?
Evil = ugly, stupid and mean while Good = beautiful/handsome, wise and kind.
wise, smart, and nice people generally aren't evil... so... I don't see how you can apply those characteristics to evil people... so... yeah. I agree with the physical attributes part, but other than that it kinda makes sense.
Mages who use their powers indiscriminately and to ridiculous excess.
Yeah, calm your shit.
Mages who are also master swordsmen.
Well, that's actually pretty badass... as long as they aren't swordsmen because of magic. Literally the ONLY way I ever saw magical sword powers done well was through Goodkind.
SETTINGS/WORLD ELEMENTS:
Doomsday weapons.
... not really a cliche, more of just... a thing...
Totally good/evil races.
Yeah that's never done well.
Someone has a cute pet.
Why are you wiping this off the map? Nothing wrong with cute sometimes. Chicks dig it.
Lots of apostrophes in fantasy languages without good linguistic reasons.
Agreed. It doesn't make you look awesome, it makes you sound like you have a stutter.
Fantasy names beginning with X, Z, G, K, or any other hard consonant.
So Kyle, Greg, Jack, Devon, Tyler... all out? My MC's name is Jaqueline... that's out too? That's STUPID.
Fantasy names/words with a lack of vowels.
Yeah, you can't pronounce that crap, even in your inside-the-head voice.
Fantasy names with too many vowels.
What are you, the vowel police? Though I agree, sometimes it CAN get ridiculous.
Names that are too suggestive of a character’s personality, i.e. someone named Cipher is an enigma.
Every once in a while it's fine, but done for more than a couple of characters in an extensive line of characters is stupid.
Person sacrifices life to save others, but is resurrected later.
YEAH. I HATE WHEN DEAD PEOPLE COME BACK. HATE IT ENOUGH FOR ALL CAPS. Although sometimes in very rare cases it's done really well... but it's RARE.
Evil villain is physically scarred in some way.
I wouldn't wipe this straight out. You don't want any main character to be completely perfect, even physically.
Evil villain must always kill at least one henchman no matter how loyal he is.
Yeah, that's beating the reader over the head with the "I'm evil stick"
Slightest infraction/failure is punished by death.
Yeah, it's not like they have an unlimited amount of people who also like being evil and other stuff.
Big dark castle/tower/fortress/keep, usually impenetrable except for the secret passage only the hero’s guide knows about.
Yeah, too convenient. Find a way for your character to legitimately accomplish something.
Dark minions are idiots.
Parents of hero are dead. (Or, in the Disney variation: mother is dead, father is loveable buffoon.)
Orphaned MCs are the BIGGEST cliche in the books. Well done, you found a very good one... bonus points for finding out one or both is still alive. Extra bonus points if they're evil. Extra extra bonus points if they're the king and queen of some shit.
Fight breaks out in a bar.
Well bars tend to be violent places... full of drunk people as they are...
Innocent people rescued from nasty death/fate worse than death just in the nick of time.
Adds to suspense. I don't really see the problem with that...
Secret passages are never booby-trapped.
Yeah, that's annoying. Bonus points if the exit/entrance isn't guarded by any means.
Sidekicks/flunkies who are mindlessly loyal/devoted.
Well sometimes that happens, especially if they idolize the hero. Done very well in LotR with Samwise. Sometimes can be powerful and useful plot devices. A lot of times, though, they are done horridly.
Deformed man with a heart of gold/Handsome villain with a heart of darkest evil.
Only cliche if they're in the same story.
Fantasy societies based off of the Celts or Norsemen.
Fantasy empires based off the Romans.
Warrior cultures based off of the Samurai or Spartans.
Okay I'm grouping these three together because it's the same rant for every one. What the hell ELSE are you going to base it off of? These are the STRONGEST examples we have to give us modern day insight. The dun it, and they dun it GOOD. Seems to me this person is pissed off when a writer does something historically unheard of, but then gets pissed off when it's historically accurate! They are beating us with the "HAHA you can't write on anything and I'm so much more intelligenter than YOUUUUU" stick. Please no one tell anyone I used intelligenter...
Elves, orcs, dwarves, trolls, dragons, unicorns and any other race that has appeared in Dungeons and Dragons.
In translation: "F*CK YOU, you don't get to write classic/traditional fantasy anymore... SUCKERS!"
Amazons/stoic women warriors.
I'm agreeing ONLY on the grounds that no one ever does it well.
Large-breasted Amazons in tiny brassiers who have no trouble keeping their clothes on, let alone their balance.
Yeah, wouldn't the people interested in the large breasts be happier about a clothing malfunction anyways?
Artifacts of power.
The frick. SERIOUSLY? Just take all that shit away, then, never allowed to use something of power... in a FANTASY novel... for frick's sake...
Pseudo-medieval societies with 1990s liberal sensibilities about things like womens’ rights and homosexuality.
See, but before they said women shouldn't have to dress up like men to go and adventure. Get your stuff straight.
Hero’s culture has no brothels, no bars and everyone smokes a pipe but nothing stronger.
Here's a kicker, at the end of this list, "brothels" are listed. Again, get your stuff straight. Though I agree that the perfect society image is a little stupid.
Black magic vs. White magic.
In my brain I can see how this could turn into a very cool thing, but AGAIN, not the way most people do it. Unless there was a very specific reason and good background as to why these two magics are at war, leave it be. And the black/white thing is old too.
Magic systems that follow laws too much like modern physics.
Actually, I find that most appealing and relateable and realistic.
Magic systems that follow no discernable rules at all.
Agreed. Give it some limits or otherwise it's no fun.
Magic systems that change when its plot-convenient.
Unless there's a good reason, agreed. A legitimately good reason.
Virgin sacrifices.
... again, this is historically and culturally accurate.
Human/animal psychic bonds, especially with dogs/wolves/cats/horses/dragons/etc.
Yes.
Characters speaking in 1990s flavored English.
... well, you all know my take on that.
Churches based on the medieval Catholic Church but that have a history totally unlike the Catholic Church.
Just because something is based on one thing, doesn't mean it has to match it perfectly. ESPECIALLY if it goes by a different name. This is called fiction...
Matriarchal religions/societies are good while patriarchal ones are bad. (Ditto for polytheism vs. monotheism.)
What.
Everybody in the world worships the same god/pantheon of gods.
A couple of points. If the gods are actual existing beings in the stories (even potential characters) this kind of thing would make sense. Also if religion is not a large part of your story, don't worry about it. No use cramming all of the details into the readers' brains if they're going to be useless to the story. A major rule of writing is to make every sentence progress the story further.
Noble savages/barbarians/etc.
What.
Everybody in the world speaks the same language.
Kind of legitimate but not a HUGE point. Adds some world development if you can fit it in nicely. But don't conveniently have one character ALWAYS around that knows how to fluently speak every freaking single one of them...
City dwellers are automatically corrupt and weak.
I've never seen this stereotype.
Female warriors wholl only surrender to a man if he defeats them in battle.
Yeah I hate that.
Cities in the middle of the desert with no water or food supply that somehow survive.
Never seen this in a story to the point of being problematic before... you don't need to know every detail about a city. If they're in the middle of the desert, maybe they found a way.
Women as prizes/booty for barbarian (or even civilized) heroes.
AGAIN. HISTORY. HISTORY YOU -IDIOT-. History was a thing. That happened. In real life.
Societies where no one seems to do anything but adventure.
haha never seen this in actual published prose.
True feudal societies where the king holds absolute power.
HISTORY! FOR THE GOOD OF EVERYTHING IT'S CALLED HISTOR*Cue head exploding over all of everything in the room*
Shops called Adventurers’ Supply or the like.
HAH! Who did that?! No way that's actually a thing.
Village taverns, especially those populated with saucy tavern wenches.
... But they... were... actual... I give up.
Worlds that read as though they were created by a really bad Dungeon Master.
I don't know what that means but I bet they aren't published anyways.
50-pound broadswords.
Well 50lbs isn't that bad, I can carry 50lbs pretty easily. However, I know what you MEANT, and I agree. Things like the Final Fantasy broadsword bigger than the character are ridiculous and annoying and not badass at all, stop trying.
Swords that shoot lightning, glow, etc.
Eh. Kinda on a "don't care" basis here.
Fur loincloths and chainmail bikinis in winter.
HAH.
Worlds where morals are strictly black and white.
Yeah, give us some depth, seriously.
Societies where the morals are exactly the same as ours.
Gives us something to relate to, I guess. Also, how can morals be exactly the same as ours? We as a group don't share morals... that's why we have governments....
Slavery.
DA FUCK?!
Boy slaves get released after 5-7 years of service; girl slaves do not.
... his... history... *cue sobbing onto keyboard*
Worlds where the nobility are all corrupt and/or perverted.
Yeah, you know what, F*CK HISTORY. We don't need that shit anyways.
Prostitutes/brothels.
Again.
So lots of swearing and beating-things-with-sticks (stupid drummers...) but that's the gist of my rant on stupid people who think everything has to be super new and cutting-edge. Whoever wrote this was awful and uneducated and I can't believe someone actually applied it to my beloved story.
Stereotype checklist... sort of....
Okay so my last post about being a sudden stereotype had me wanting to procrastinate on writing more, so I started to analyze myself and found out that I don't have to worry about the stereotype thing because I already am one. Which is half depressing and half amusing. So I'm just going to list off things about me that are either assumed or pinned to artists.
Piercings/tattoos. I have 16 (15 in my ears, one in lip) piercings and one tattoo. That I, of course, drew myself.
Ratty/unkempt hair. My hair is scruffy and usually in a pony tail, though it IS clean.
Ratty/mismatched clothing. Jeans with holes in them, brimmed hats, paint-covered t-shirts, the good old cardigan, scuffed shoes and random jewelry, ripped up fabric belts/leather studded belts.
The messenger bag. Enough said. Extra points for being old and worn and covered in random things.
Insomnia/tendency to stay up all night.
Social awkwardness
Excessive consumption of coffee.
Notebook in hand. Always. No exceptions.
Apple products. Macbook, iPods (plural).
Huge headphones. Don't judge me, I use them for audio editing.
A blog. Though that's a more recent development.
Concern for the environment.
Contempt for angry people aka the hippy stance.
Aversion to real life/normal people jobs
Contempt of pants. Roommates are gone? It's time for underpants.
Dislike of shoes. I will go barefoot until it's going to cause me to get thrown out of somewhere/something or contract some form of disease through annihilating my feet. Also I run barefoot.
Slight mental encyclopedia. That annoying person who knows something about everything because all they do is hide from people and read stuff.
Repetitive/socially odd habits. Such as collapsing on the floor when I run out of ideas and throwing a balloon filled with sand at my ceiling for the next five hours.
Obsessive/compulsive tendencies.
Depression
Hyper activity in odd spurts
Socially unacceptable everything. Don't really know how to act in social situations. Probably why no one will talk to me.
Daughter, family is disappoint.
Uncanny knowledge of things on the internet, along with obscure references that make normal non-artists cringe.
Buying music instead of illegally torrenting it.
Love of fantasy.
Love of symphony music/movie soundtracks. AKA Hans Zimmer. If you don't know who he is, then screw you, go look him up. Lion King. Prince of Egypt. Gladiator. Inception. Pirates of the Caribbean. And SO many more. Pretty much all the badass put into one composer.
So I thought I would take this HUGE list and put it up against artist stereotypes I DON'T follow. Which ended up being pathetic.
Artists don't shower. I shower every day if not twice a day, it comes with my obsessive tendencies.
Frequenting of coffee shops. Screw that, I do my crap from home.
Hating government. I like our government. If you compare to a million other countries, Canada/USA rocks, go screw yourselves "99%."
Hating religion. I'm a Christian, so that's self-explanatory.
Excessive drinking due to depression. Last night I had a drink with Laura and she was all "holy crap this is so weird I never see you with alcohol." I don't know how artists afford that shit.
The thought that artists have to suffer for their art. I think that's bull.
Artists can't make a living/survive on their work and have to grab a day job (usually a coffeeshop job). Haha. Just because I'm poor doesn't mean I'm not surviving.
I think the stereotypes I DON'T follow are pretty okay, so I'm going to go about my happy life without them.
Piercings/tattoos. I have 16 (15 in my ears, one in lip) piercings and one tattoo. That I, of course, drew myself.
Ratty/unkempt hair. My hair is scruffy and usually in a pony tail, though it IS clean.
Ratty/mismatched clothing. Jeans with holes in them, brimmed hats, paint-covered t-shirts, the good old cardigan, scuffed shoes and random jewelry, ripped up fabric belts/leather studded belts.
The messenger bag. Enough said. Extra points for being old and worn and covered in random things.
Insomnia/tendency to stay up all night.
Social awkwardness
Excessive consumption of coffee.
Notebook in hand. Always. No exceptions.
Apple products. Macbook, iPods (plural).
Huge headphones. Don't judge me, I use them for audio editing.
A blog. Though that's a more recent development.
Concern for the environment.
Contempt for angry people aka the hippy stance.
Aversion to real life/normal people jobs
Contempt of pants. Roommates are gone? It's time for underpants.
Dislike of shoes. I will go barefoot until it's going to cause me to get thrown out of somewhere/something or contract some form of disease through annihilating my feet. Also I run barefoot.
Slight mental encyclopedia. That annoying person who knows something about everything because all they do is hide from people and read stuff.
Repetitive/socially odd habits. Such as collapsing on the floor when I run out of ideas and throwing a balloon filled with sand at my ceiling for the next five hours.
Obsessive/compulsive tendencies.
Depression
Hyper activity in odd spurts
Socially unacceptable everything. Don't really know how to act in social situations. Probably why no one will talk to me.
Daughter, family is disappoint.
Uncanny knowledge of things on the internet, along with obscure references that make normal non-artists cringe.
Buying music instead of illegally torrenting it.
Love of fantasy.
Love of symphony music/movie soundtracks. AKA Hans Zimmer. If you don't know who he is, then screw you, go look him up. Lion King. Prince of Egypt. Gladiator. Inception. Pirates of the Caribbean. And SO many more. Pretty much all the badass put into one composer.
So I thought I would take this HUGE list and put it up against artist stereotypes I DON'T follow. Which ended up being pathetic.
Artists don't shower. I shower every day if not twice a day, it comes with my obsessive tendencies.
Frequenting of coffee shops. Screw that, I do my crap from home.
Hating government. I like our government. If you compare to a million other countries, Canada/USA rocks, go screw yourselves "99%."
Hating religion. I'm a Christian, so that's self-explanatory.
Excessive drinking due to depression. Last night I had a drink with Laura and she was all "holy crap this is so weird I never see you with alcohol." I don't know how artists afford that shit.
The thought that artists have to suffer for their art. I think that's bull.
Artists can't make a living/survive on their work and have to grab a day job (usually a coffeeshop job). Haha. Just because I'm poor doesn't mean I'm not surviving.
I think the stereotypes I DON'T follow are pretty okay, so I'm going to go about my happy life without them.
I've joined the ranks
I've suddenly found myself among the masses of artists and Macbook-tapping hipsters in a coffeeshop. I'm not, by far, a hipster, but I'm feeling a little out of sorts here because I'm currently an accidental stereotype.
I'm an artist sitting in a Starbucks with my notebooks placed carefully beside me on the couch placed before the unlit gas fireplaces, and an Apple laptop sitting on my lap. I'm working on my novel, as I'm sure half the people in here are also doing. My canvas-and-faux-leather messenger-style shoulder bag is sitting at my feet with a goofy snorkel-and-flippers key chain hooked to the handle with my little bundle of keys. I'm currently blogging about my life. Welcome to the artist stereotype, person.
Also, I just watched a nerdy-looking stereotype finish a 5x5 rubix cube in a flurry while staring at his iPad on the table in front of him. When I sat at the couch across from his table, he looked up at me like a deer in the headlights, as if someone in this proximity was a rare or terrifying occurrence to him. I sympathize, buddy, and good job on the cube, I can't solve the 4x4 ones to save my life, leave the other row/column out of this brain, thanks.
I'm only here because I had to fill out forms for a police background check so the people who hired me to teach children art can know for sure I'm not an escaped convict that's going to go crazy with a bunch of kids in the room. I'm too timid to have any sort of criminal record. Literally anything that could have me charged with anything requires more guts to do than I have.
This includes, but is not limited to:
Speeding
Parking in the wrong place
Littering
Spitting
Public disturbance
Failure to pay ________.
Tax evasion
Disorderly conduct
Theft
Indecent exposure.
All of these things require some nerve that I will never possess. Well maybe one day... I am forcing myself out of my little bubble of timid terror, bit by bit. Maybe one day I will have the nerve to be a day late on my payments... or run naked through the streets. Wouldn't that be the day...
You know, some places actually have runs/bikes for freaking CHARITY that are like "run 5k naked and raise money for cancer." Seriously. I would die. First of all, how can girls run naked?! Seriously, you need some... support.
See how easily I got sidetracked? I started off talking about how I'm a stereotype and ended with women can't run naked. And my criminal record is in the middle.
This is how I talk, too. Conversations with me suck.
Also, will have a drawing for you all (all 5 of you... I see you in my reader stats you creepers!) tomorrow. Going to start accentuating some stuff with the art I claim to be able to do but never show unless it's a scribbled stick-figure comic about anxiety.
I promise it's not abstract.
Also, while I'm on the topic of 5 readers... all 5 of you rock, I can't believe someone actually reads this crap. Now I have to find a way to entertain you haha.
I'm an artist sitting in a Starbucks with my notebooks placed carefully beside me on the couch placed before the unlit gas fireplaces, and an Apple laptop sitting on my lap. I'm working on my novel, as I'm sure half the people in here are also doing. My canvas-and-faux-leather messenger-style shoulder bag is sitting at my feet with a goofy snorkel-and-flippers key chain hooked to the handle with my little bundle of keys. I'm currently blogging about my life. Welcome to the artist stereotype, person.
Also, I just watched a nerdy-looking stereotype finish a 5x5 rubix cube in a flurry while staring at his iPad on the table in front of him. When I sat at the couch across from his table, he looked up at me like a deer in the headlights, as if someone in this proximity was a rare or terrifying occurrence to him. I sympathize, buddy, and good job on the cube, I can't solve the 4x4 ones to save my life, leave the other row/column out of this brain, thanks.
I'm only here because I had to fill out forms for a police background check so the people who hired me to teach children art can know for sure I'm not an escaped convict that's going to go crazy with a bunch of kids in the room. I'm too timid to have any sort of criminal record. Literally anything that could have me charged with anything requires more guts to do than I have.
This includes, but is not limited to:
Speeding
Parking in the wrong place
Littering
Spitting
Public disturbance
Failure to pay ________.
Tax evasion
Disorderly conduct
Theft
Indecent exposure.
All of these things require some nerve that I will never possess. Well maybe one day... I am forcing myself out of my little bubble of timid terror, bit by bit. Maybe one day I will have the nerve to be a day late on my payments... or run naked through the streets. Wouldn't that be the day...
You know, some places actually have runs/bikes for freaking CHARITY that are like "run 5k naked and raise money for cancer." Seriously. I would die. First of all, how can girls run naked?! Seriously, you need some... support.
See how easily I got sidetracked? I started off talking about how I'm a stereotype and ended with women can't run naked. And my criminal record is in the middle.
This is how I talk, too. Conversations with me suck.
Also, will have a drawing for you all (all 5 of you... I see you in my reader stats you creepers!) tomorrow. Going to start accentuating some stuff with the art I claim to be able to do but never show unless it's a scribbled stick-figure comic about anxiety.
I promise it's not abstract.
Also, while I'm on the topic of 5 readers... all 5 of you rock, I can't believe someone actually reads this crap. Now I have to find a way to entertain you haha.
7/3/12
When I can't write, I dick around on the internet.
Publishers have warned me that they dislike their writers putting any of their stuff online before it's published, for copyright reasons. And of course I would like to protect my work AND my anonymity here, but I have recently found Translate Party, that takes a sentence of yours and translates it back and forth from Japanese to English until it stops changing. So I thought I would insert a paragraph I wrote into this thing and see what it comes up with. And now I'm going to share it with you. Enjoy!
To relax, she is a little bit at the end of my statement. The young man was a threat from his first breath. He is taunted by a young man Sali fast child soldiers. Boy King and the clown, my mother earned his weed habit. Fortunately, he was heir to his brother, Aaron Phillip. Three juvenile poems, many young nobles hours study, his cousin tribe. All reviews are Aaron North stay 書して and reports.
Alright. So, that has literally NOTHING to do with my novel. There are no child soldiers, no one with a "weed habit," and no one named Aaron Phillip or Aaron North... and I don't even know about the random Japanese characters in there. Unfortunately for a reader, this is not funny at ALL. I don't know why I thought it would be funny. It's funny for ME, because I know what the paragraph ACTUALLY is, and it's hilariously different. You SHOULD be getting a character's background in that one paragraph, but good luck trying to find it there...
Basically that paragraph says a character was a threatening weed smoker (supported by a boy-king, a clown, and his mother) who was taunted by child soldiers. He is apparently heir to his brother. After that I have nothing. In reality, the background says that he was an undisciplined boy who dishonored his family, and his family was only saved by his older brother's reputation. That's all. I don't know where drugs came into it. Freaking golden, man!
Alright, either back to writing or onto critiquing others' writing... which is more attainable...
To relax, she is a little bit at the end of my statement. The young man was a threat from his first breath. He is taunted by a young man Sali fast child soldiers. Boy King and the clown, my mother earned his weed habit. Fortunately, he was heir to his brother, Aaron Phillip. Three juvenile poems, many young nobles hours study, his cousin tribe. All reviews are Aaron North stay 書して and reports.
Alright. So, that has literally NOTHING to do with my novel. There are no child soldiers, no one with a "weed habit," and no one named Aaron Phillip or Aaron North... and I don't even know about the random Japanese characters in there. Unfortunately for a reader, this is not funny at ALL. I don't know why I thought it would be funny. It's funny for ME, because I know what the paragraph ACTUALLY is, and it's hilariously different. You SHOULD be getting a character's background in that one paragraph, but good luck trying to find it there...
Basically that paragraph says a character was a threatening weed smoker (supported by a boy-king, a clown, and his mother) who was taunted by child soldiers. He is apparently heir to his brother. After that I have nothing. In reality, the background says that he was an undisciplined boy who dishonored his family, and his family was only saved by his older brother's reputation. That's all. I don't know where drugs came into it. Freaking golden, man!
Alright, either back to writing or onto critiquing others' writing... which is more attainable...
Then the artist can pay her bills!
Only one more month of this instability bullcrap and I'll be out of the hole!! I mean, literally in the next three days if I don't get my sh*t together, I'll be royally screwed, then after that it's going to be a mad race to the finish line, but hey! I have a permanent band gig. And by that I mean, I'm going to get paid for nightly gigs and tours without travel expenses. Why? Because I am officially a HIRED professional musician, which is SO MUCH BETTER than a freelance professional musician because freelancers have no freaking clue when their next paycheck is coming.
So I'm still doing the fine art thing, at least for another couple of months, and I'll be damned if I'm going to give up my writing, but this is just wonderful.
I mean I'm a little lost right NOW because I can't afford my utilities, instrument payments, or even the art supplies for a lady who's ordered artwork from me but HEY! Only a few more weeks of this hell before I'm off to wonderland of holy crap I can actually make it as an artist and not worry about dying every month.
Ta da! Look at me, ma!
So I'm still doing the fine art thing, at least for another couple of months, and I'll be damned if I'm going to give up my writing, but this is just wonderful.
I mean I'm a little lost right NOW because I can't afford my utilities, instrument payments, or even the art supplies for a lady who's ordered artwork from me but HEY! Only a few more weeks of this hell before I'm off to wonderland of holy crap I can actually make it as an artist and not worry about dying every month.
Ta da! Look at me, ma!
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