Winters in Alberta, rating on fun-meter: absolute zero.

I hate winter.

But in all honesty, in Canada, no one likes winter. And those that actually like winter only like it because of the snow and how pretty it looks, but no one likes the way snow looks in the city because it's all dirty and been walked all over and sprayed with road debris. So no one in Canadian cities like winters.

Unless they live in BC. Because winters there don't count.

I live in central Alberta. Winters here are mother nature's attempt to see just how miserable a place can get. First the snow happens, and then it melts a bit, just to give the ground this slippery, crunchy, lumpy, slip-on-it-and-your-legs-will-probably-break footing. Then it snows again and you're walking across this snow-covered, half-slush surface with a slippery under layer. Then it snows again and you're like alright, good, now I can walk without DYING.

But you also have to wade through knee-high powder, the bottom of which is a crunchy/uneven bed so it's a constant struggle and the OPPOSITE OF FUN. If you look up the antonym of fun, it's "walkingthroughAlbertasnowdrifts."

Then there's the wind. There's always wind in the winter. And it makes it that much colder. And then on top of the cold and the wind you have days where you never see the sun because it's only light out for maybe 7 hours a day or so. 10am-5pm, ish, is a mid-winter daylight schedule. You get some sort of half-light from like 8-10am and 5-7pm but it's grey and gross and miserable and cloudy anyways, so it doesn't count.

So basically going outside is a compilation of trying your best not to slip and fall, trying your best not to blink because if you too much or too hard do your eyelashes will freeze together, trying to find a compromise between covering your face with a scarf and having a cold, wet piece of cloth against your mouth or having no scarf and having your face ripped off by frost bite, navigating through miserable half-light or darkness, and probably not warm even a little bit. Also, when you first step outside, the air is so cold that it chokes you for the first few breaths if you aren't careful; you have to take a very slow breath so the air has a chance to warm up/your lungs can slowly adjust, or breathe through a scarf or your hand.

What part of this sounds like fun? Seriously.

Oh, and I almost forgot one of my least favorite parts. Before you CAN go outside, you have to put on boots (annoying for a person who has spent the summer in flip flops and fall/spring in slip-on shoes), a big freaking coat (and if you're a wuss like me, a sweater first), gloves, a scarf, a hat, probably pull up a hood, and if you're going to be outside for a LONG TIME you'll want some warm pants over that too.

So basically whenever you want to pop across the street for a coffee,  it takes 5 minutes of prep before you can even go outside.

Then before you touch anything/do anything you have to take your gloves off because who can do ANYTHING well with gloves on?!

People who have vehicles have to take a stake with a plastic blade on the end of it and hack at their windows to get the ice and snow and frost off of them before sitting in their disgustingly cold boxes of sadness and woe and quake uncontrollably, praying for their car to heat up faster, because it's been 10 minutes and you can still see your breath.

And while we're on the subject of cars, people in Edmonton and its surrounding cities SUCK AT DRIVING in the summer. You add ice and snow and wind and gross to that and you have a million HUGE, high-powered, high-speed WEAPONS flying around everywhere. If you're IN another car, your life is at risk. If you're outside of a building and outside of a car, may God help you.

The only colors in winter are grey, white, and brown. And in the intermittent not-cloudy days, the blue sky is not a nice blue. It's the coldest-looking blue you can imagine.

But you think, hey, if it's nice and sunny out at least it will be a bit warmer?

NOPE.

Clouds act as insulators. The cloudless days are the coldest of the season. That, and no heat is absorbed by the earth because it's covered in ice, so it just reflects back. AND guaranteed if there's no clouds, it's because it's windy-as-all-hell and they've all been blown away so it's minus freeze-your-ass-off with a minus holy-crap-I'm-going-to-die wind chill.

So it's like "LOL I'm sunny out but SCREW YOU."

There is nothing fun, beautiful, or happy about Alberta winters. And the next one is fast-approaching.

Luckily, this is the first year that I will not be in school during the winter, and because I work from home I MIGHT be okay. I might even get to see the sun on a regular basis!

I still hate winter, though.