Things got very stressful this week. I'm pretty run into the ground. In fact, I think the stress and anxiety is making me very sick, if my achy body is any indication.
And just now my roommate John got extremely passive-aggressive which is a trigger to my anxiety attacks. As soon as I notice it I don't know how to handle it or work through it and John is one of those guys who can't be reasoned with once his mind is made up.
So I'm having a bit of a pissy night so I'm ranting on my blog because I don't talk to anyone anymore.
I've been reviewing training and show videos for the barn I'm training at, taking care of all feed, equipment, and med orders, payment transfers, repair requests, etc, along with dictating the training schedules for over 50 horses. And planning my own training schedule.
I am also dealing with about 16 art customers at the moment which are circulating through "wait" schedules now that the other job has started, which they were ALL warned about and "okay with." However, there are two specific ones that have been giving me a very rough time with daily e-mails demanding impossible updates.
My editor is threatening to drop my sponsorship if I can't provide some more portions of manuscript for critique and review.
And my music career might be ending before it properly starts, as I certainly don't have time to commit to my band and we've lost a couple of shows because of my schedule. Which I've tried to sub out to other drummers but have only been successful a couple of times. And as it's MY band, it's kind of essential I have time for it.
So yeah. Great that I'm making some money, but not so great that it's this stressful. And each and every job is high-pressure and comes with complainy people.
I just don't have time to really think anymore. I barely make time to eat and only keep up with proper meals by packing "day packs" at the start of the week of fruit, veggies, nuts, and pita bread that I grab and carry around with me all day every day and set alarms every 2 hours to remind me to eat a couple of bites. So that way eating only takes a few seconds.
After my work day wraps up I usually pitch into the housework and take care of my animals.
I'm not sleeping much. And my family is not good. And my life is changing very fast.
Tonight is just not a good night. The day started alright enough but the night just got bad. Some plans fell through. Got a few bad e-mails. Had a bad allergic reaction, and spent two hours cleaning up a room I haven't been in for more than two weeks. But it needed to be cleaned because the boys and their friends made it so gross it was starting to grow mildew and mold on some of the things left in there, and mold can send me into anaphylactic shock. And I don't want to die, so...
But I do this at least one or two times a week. I clean up after everyone's mess. It's what I've always done. Because I'm obsessive/compulsive and I can't help it and I refuse to hold others to my extreme idea of cleanliness because I respect them and their lack of OCD.
So yesterday I did something which was hard, but I did it. I ignored the dishwasher. Problem is, John runs the dishwasher through all the time, and has emptied it a couple of times this month while we do dishes probably once every 2 days because we have 4 people and a small dishwasher. But the 2 times a month have given John a sense of "I do all the work," and he's refusing to empty it.
What a stupid thing, right? Like what a stupid, small, insignificant, selfish, childish thing. It's a fucking dishwasher, get over it.
He runs it through, we all load it up as we dirty dishes, and the couple of times John doesn't empty it I do it the rest of the time.
But I've left it for others lately because I simply don't have time. I don't even have time to eat. And there are three other people to do dishes. I don't even use dishes. I'm so tired, I need to somehow let others do some things.
But it was the wrong choice because John had emptied a few days ago and thus is naturally off the hook for the next two weeks and has gained the special privilege of deciding whose turn it is to do the dishes and being an asshole when they don't do them.
So he decided it was "my turn" solely based on the fact that he thinks Laura won't do it ever because he thinks she's useless and lazy and Ian helped him rake up some leaves like a week and a half ago so therefore he's done his workload and thus it is my turn despite my cleaning both bathrooms, spending hours vacuuming the basement and hallway (it took two and a half hours to do a tiny hallway and a small basement because some people insist on wearing gross shoes in the house and not wiping their feet so I had to be meticulous), cleaning up the gross and moldy basement, handling the flooded laundry room by myself because everyone else was worried it was septic (... it was rain water), and taking care of fixing up our utility payments... along with working, what, four jobs? Clearly, I need to unload the fucking dishwasher.
Because some people can't grow the hell up and stop being selfish.
I should probably mention that I've been playing councilor to Laura about a guy she can't get over, along with another girl with the same problem which might be alright if I wasn't sick of hearing about these boys and the girls' inabilities to talk to them.
So anyways.
Tonight was the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy, which is my favorite TV show and used to be the ONLY one I followed every week until I discovered Doctor Who and Community and Game of Thrones. As Community and Game of Thrones are not currently running, Doctor Who has been my only. And Grey's Anatomy left a HUGE cliffhanger at the end of their last season so I was excited about today because today was the day I get an hour-long break in this screwed up work schedule to just enjoy some TV. I planned it weeks ago. I haven't had a day off of work in over a month and a half.
I sometimes just want to be a girl and enjoy some girly drama. I hardly ever get to be a girl. I'm awful at being a girl. I'm emotionally stunted, I hate talking about girl things, and I would rather wander around in paddock boots and jeans and a t-shirt and get covered in mud and horse poop and dirt than go shopping.
Sometimes, I want to be a girl and watch Grey's Anatomy!
So yesterday I sent everyone who lives here a text saying that I would be using the basement for a certain hour because that's where our TV with cable is. Everyone said it was okay and I was free to enjoy my show.
This morning, during making breakfast, I realize John is being a bit of an ass and very not talking to me, which is weird because usually I can't shut him up when I'm making breakfast. He always wants to talk about shit he's doing and what he's doing that day, and what people have pissed him off lately.
I knew exactly what pissed him off. The stupid effing dishes. I decided to brush it off on the grounds that he would get over it and do them himself like an adult.
Tonight, John gets together with his ex-girlfriend and plan to use the basement for the night. When I learned of this, Ian, Laura and I were in a car with a friend coming home from dinner because they dragged me out for Subway because I was overworked and couldn't walk/talk straight so they made me stop for real food before my hour-long break. So I asked Ian to text John reminding him that I needed the TV for an hour as I did not have my cell phone with me because I'm absent-minded and always forget it at home.
When he did, he received a text that at first he tried to avoid showing to me before reading it out.
"Well if she does the dishes she can have the basement lol."
Which might sound not that bad, but I have heard him outright mock Laura in the same way, in person. Once she left me a couple of bananas when she left for a week, telling me to finish them off so they didn't go bad. I laughed when I received the note and told John, and he said "haha too bad she didn't tell you to do her dishes too!" which later turned into an evening of seething about Laura and her - ahem - one cup and one spoon she forgot to toss in the dishwasher before she left.
So yes. It was malicious. Ian thought it was a joke, but I turned and looked at Laura and she mouthed that she knows exactly what I was thinking.
Nonetheless, John and his ex left me the tv and have been shooting me dirty looks all night. And falling silent every time I enter the room.
So I've had a panic attack. I'm so tired of humans.
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