Customers that try way, way, way too hard.

I do a LOT of character design, because most artists don't think to offer it and every amateur/starting author ever wants their characters drawn. Some pro authors do it too if they're really stuck on a character and need outside insight.

But the thing is, 90% of the authors that want their characters designed are the ones who believe they are the most pro, the most badass author ever because they got their amazingly, untouchably cool character commissioned by a professional artist and paid hundreds of dollars to get it done.

Because their book is worth it.

And I'm usually not one to judge, but these would-be authors bring it out in me because they tend to be the WORST.

I invite my customers to coffee to talk about their work and with them, I NEVER GET TO LEAVE. And I spend the entire time with glazed-over eyes which they only don't notice, I'm sure, because everyone they talk to gets the same speech and so they think that's just how humanity looks. And I have to pay attention/take notes/do quick sketches to remember ideas and the things they for sure want.

It's not like I hate talking to people about their story ideas and such. I usually love it, being an author myself. But like I said, these people are just CONVINCED they are the best. And there's nothing worse than being stuck with someone who's over the top full of themselves that you have to, not only pay attention to, but cater to because they're going to give you money.

The difference between the amateur and pro authors that come to me is the description they give me.

Pros will give me a general attitude, a list of things that affect the appearance such as injuries, defects, scars, athletic background, career, and usually why they are where they are in the picture they want me to make. Their description consists of pretty general stuff with a few specifics such as eye color. Even clothing is like "well... just give him something modern for a middle-class young adult that makes retail wage." All in all, the description takes less than 10 minutes. Then we spend another 10 minutes doing a very quick concept sketch with notes and the odd correction, and then they pay their deposit and sometimes leave me to do the real concept sketch which I will e-mail to them LATER. Other times they sit and we have a talk about writing and have intelligent discussion about the art form, and can even help each other out with suggestions on overcoming some troubles or working with publishers.

Amateurs are nowhere near as fun or interesting.

First, they ALWAYS need to start off by telling me they are very serious about and involved in their novel. That's how I know the meeting is going to suck. I just nod seriously and say "oh yeah, naturally!" They then tend to go on about how new and fresh and never-before done and (usually) ARTFULLY complicated this novel is. And then to prove it to me, they tell me just how complicated it is.

I actually had one man tell me each of his chapters could be its own novel and they're all happening parallel to one another but sometimes they cross and you don't know until the end when they're in an epic battle that's REALLY been happening for the whole story only you don't know it because they're all insane and have been imagining the parallel worlds this whole time.

You can't make this shit up.

Then it's 50/50 about what's going to happen next. Either they're going to hand me a stack of papers with an extremely detailed history of the character they want done, usually accompanied with manuscript with all the badass scenes their characters are in, OR they're going give the details to me verbally, usually reading me passages from their work of art.

I'm talking, birth to every detail of the kid years to the tortured teenage years where they usually have their parents die in front of them and are overcome with intense rage and become this amazing warrior of untold awesomeness, and are instantly better and more badass than everyone ever and pretty much go on to screw everything up and bring everything to justice.

They actually believe all of this information, usually no less than an HOUR of it, is going to help me make a better character design.

It's one freaking picture, you dorks.

And then EVERY DETAIL is set. They want x kind of clothing and x kind of hairstyle and they want it PERFECT and the weapons are all either stupidly complicated or stupidly over-done (like 400lb broadswords that glow and shoot flames and win against even modern military...) and basically it ends up being like a very bad rehash of a Final Fantasy character.

Every time I hope that they will then leave and I can do concepts like a normal person, but no. We sit there for another hour while I make a very detailed sketch that has to be perfect because they don't understand the concept of CONCEPT SKETCH.

And then after they're satisfied I get to hear about their angst-ridden lives and what drove them to being an author and why they're so much smarter than anyone else out there and sure they've gotten rejected by 6 publishers but hey, publishers just don't understand them and publishing deals are impossible to get unless you [expletive] their [expletive].

I usually have to forcefully remove myself from their presence by making up something like "I have to go brush my hair."

And then I just make them as badass and stereotypical as humanely possible and the "author" is always over-the-top psyched about how badass the character is and how no one can be as cool as their character.

And I just hope they never call me back to do another one because I'm not sure I can do another meeting with them and not shoot myself.



This rant is inspired by someone who e-mailed to me asking for me to do a controversial picture of Jesus holding a half-naked woman in close to him for a Dan Brown (but not Dan Brown, way more cool and complicated and controversial than Dan Brown) style novel.

Yeah. I have a whole page on my website dedicated to Christian art. Are you TRYING to piss me off?

Probably.


This is as bad as the time when a guitarist at the university asked me to drum for his Satanic death metal band the day after he publicly ridiculed me for being a Christian. Because he'd seen me play metal before (I love it) and thought, and I quote, "you can play the drums like you need anger management!"

The hell is wrong with you people?!