My computer AND my body hate me.

Okay, maybe my computer doesn't hate me, but sometimes it does things that kinda make me look at it sideways. It is not a machine to be trusted.

That's probably because Apple made it...

This is a quick blurb on my stupid computer before I get to the REAL rant which is on my stupid body. 

Anyways. Computer does weird things with the keyboard, some programs don't run properly, and it continually thinks I have an external mouse plugged in, which I don't. Don't tell me to go to Applecare you dinks, I've already tried and they're all like "gimme $550 to fix it." And I'm like "lolno."

It does odd things in the webbernet browser too. For example, I went to go type in this blog and it usually autocompletes to it at "an" but this time it thought it would be funny and autocompleted animalsbeingdicks.com. And I've never been there before. So I went out of curiosity...

it's pretty funny, you should check it out!

Anyways. WTF Macbook? Also WTF Firefox? I feel like the both of you were accomplices in this.

Also don't get snarky about Firefox. Chrome is a piece of garbage.

Anyways!

I've started three lines in this blog with "anyways." For an author my casual vocab is pretty sub-par, it would seem.

Getting to the next point. My body hates me.

Like seriously.

There are a WHOLE LOT OF LAYERS to why my body handed my butt to me on a silver platter today, but the first one was waking up to the thing that every guy fears even hearing a mention of: Mother nature's regular f*ck-you to women. I woke up feeling like the Jerkface Gods had started their day early simply for the sake of grabbing a certain organ of mine, taking hold of either side of it and pulling as hard as they could. After I staggered around for half an hour taking horse-pill painkillers and drinking a whole ocean of water to make the ouch go away, it quickly became apparent that that was not the only thing to be worried about.

First off, I'd been up for half an hour and was still walking like a drunk person/staggering/leaning on walls. Then, every muscle in my body, not just the dickwad one, was in excruciating pain, which sometimes takes me a while to notice because there are 10 000 things physically wrong with me so pain takes a bit to register as "bad" with my brain. The third thing was a sound-and-light-sensitive headache that, over the last twenty minutes, had been amplifying to such a degree that my vision had gone askew. And again, I didn't notice until I was thinking "my vision sucks. I need my glasses. I'm wearing glasses. What the hell..." Other oddities stacked up such as chills+sweating at the same time, fever, and exhaustion but nothing usual popped up like nausea or coughing so I have no idea wtf happened.

So I ended up going downstairs where it's dark and putting the TV on and playing a really quiet episode of Being Human (UK version. Gotta keep my in-head voice British...) while wearing sunglasses to work past the light of the moving-pictures-box.

Also, side note, I'm still in writing mode so I'm doing things like avoiding certain repetitive patterns, which is why TV turned into moving-pictures-box... which I didn't understand why I needed to find an (albeit humorous) alternative to "TV" that wasn't "television." Also explains why I felt an extreme distaste for typing 10 000 instead of "ten thousand" even though the rule of thumb is to write out numbers under 100 and number anything over...

And back to your regular programming.

Ian, who is also a drummer, came down as I was lying draped pathetically (and a bit suspiciously like a dead person) over our couch. I KNEW for a fact he had overheard me groaning to Laura about having the headache and achy sickly body so I was more than ticked when the first thing he did was turn EVERY SINGLE (not even kidding) LIGHT ON in the basement. We have four light switches: One at the top of the stairs that turns on the back half of the basement lights, one at the bottom for the front half, one in the storage/laundry room and one in our rehearsal/music room. He dragged his laundry down while turning both the main room lights on, causing me to squeak pathetically and dive under the blanket I was using. It was late morning, so the window would have been sufficient light.

He then proceeded to turn both rooms' lights on while leaving the doors open, and THEY have huge bright fluorescent white lighting in them, so it was an extra kick, even through the blanket.

After he started the laundry machine (okay, it hurt my head but I wasn't mad at him for it because that's something he needs to do...) he came out and was like "HI [NAME]!"

And I responded with "F*CK YOU THESE LIGHTS DON'T NEED TO BE ON."

And he's all British and really nice and just a bit naive sometimes so I felt bad immediately but I get REALLY pissy when I'm sick. Like really really grumpy. Same when I'm injured. The first problem-of-the-day actually had NOTHING to do with it. So I didn't feel as bad as I would have have I been healthy.

He kinda jumped and a light seemed to go on, this time in his head, and he said "oh yeah, you're sick! Haha oops." and turned the laundry room light off and shut the door. And I peeked out from under the blanket, still wearing super dark sunglasses, and told him in a psychopathic voice to turn the other lights off too.

When those were turned off, he announced he was going to practice and commenced playing the drums.

It was a very rage-filled moment for me, but the pain kinda blocked out the anger and won in the end so I dragged myself back upstairs with a bucket of cold water and a facecloth, threw a blanket over my window to block out any hint of sun and spent the rest of the day in my room with a wet cloth on my face watching an entire season of Being Human punctuated with the Colbert Report.

After a while I felt a bit better and sat up in bed, and wrote a whole freaking chapter in my novel.

A WHOLE CHAPTER YOU GUYS. I felt like a champion.

That is until I tried to stand up to go get food and my tendinitis-infected knees were like LOL WE HATE YOU and gave me a crippling dose of pain that sent me tumbling.

So now I have a slight headache, slightly achy all over, tendons hate me, and I have a bruise on my forehead (no joke...) from falling face-first into my desk.

Body won this round.

In other news, teaching the art class yesterday was SO MUCH FUN, I'm dealing with more grownup mommy issues, AND MY BIRTHDAY'S ON MONDAY! =D 

Also follow me on Twitter. @ArtInEverySense because I did a horrible thing and my 8 followers unfollowed me and now I feel dumb tweeting to 2 people that I don't think are actually following me for anything other than spreading their name around...

The horrible thing I did was use the word "church" in a post. Sorry, tweet... anyways (frick) now everyone thinks I'm a crazy preachy Christian even though I'm not preachy even in the least bit and I'm not even close to the old-fashioned crazy ones and my church even supports gay people! GAY PEOPLE YOU GUYS.

Annnnnnd, what you have to look forward to this weekend:
How to make non-asinine things look asinine
Why women terrify me
And on a slightly more serious note, a follow up to my depression post.